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Volume 0 Issue 0  |  America's Smarmiest News Source  |  1 April 2000
News Can of Soda Fails to Make Local Teen "Extreme" Almighty Still Hates Homosexuals Area Man Really Intends to Use That Rowing Machine Scientists Verify: Not Heat, But Humidity Link Button		News In Brief Sitcom Enlivened With New Child Character BURBANK, CA--ABC executives announced the addition of "Davey", a precocious youth, to the six-year-old sitcom Family Trouble. "Davey's the kind of kid you'd say is 'spunky'," said a network spokesperson. "He's always ready with a pointed joke, especially at the expense of neighbor Mr. Hewson. And he'll flummox Mr. Hewson with references to 'rap' music. But he has a heart of gold." ABC added that in addition to Davey's arrival, this season will feature a marriage, a vacation trip to a sunny locale, and a woman going into early labor during a big snowstorm. Co-Worker Maintains 2Q Disbelief at Woman's Weight BOULDER, CO--A new report from market analysts Smithson & Cleary Associates declares that insurance sales manager Frank Court still "cannot believe" the obesity of fellow co-worker Denise Manderson. "Court continues to make it clear, time and time again, that he is 'amazed at how fat she is', asking others, 'Doesn't she realize she's a complete cow?'" The report adds, "We predict a further rise in Court's insensitive remarks well into the third quarter." Manderson, enjoying a donut, had no comment. On-Line Magazine Attempts "Internet Humor" CAMBRIDGE, MA--An Internet magazine broke new ground today when it published "humor" over the new medium, writing a "parody" of another popular site and making it available for "download". "We think it's an unprecedented move," said chief editor Fish. "Up until now, no one had really attempted to use this 'Web' medium to do humor. It was all academic papers and Yahoo links. Maybe now people will realize that they can use this as a way to self-publish humorous quips and jokes." The magazine said that with their monopoly on Internet humor, they expected to have over one million "hits" by the end of the week.		Top Story Cognac Fails to Make Area Man Classier SYRACUSE, NY--Despite repeated implications by nationally-run advertisements that purchasing Crown & Dumont cognac would grant him a higher tax bracket and make him more attractive to women, convenience-store employee David Kirchner announced Wednesday that he remains a loser. Full Text » In The News Labor Leaders Demand Better Conditions, Chocolate New England Driver Discovers "Turn Signaling Device" in Car Gangs Decry Senseless Violence, Endorse "Sensible" Attacks Instead George W. Bush Announces Dad Out of Town, Huge Kegger EPA Bans Grapefruit Juice: "Too Sour" Editorial Infographic The Rise of Irony The Queen of England Can Shut the Hell Up How Stupid Are We? STATshot A look at the numbers that shape your world.
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