Top Ten Tried and True Ways
to Get Someone to Leave You
by Toots
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[Being the only woman in the Grumble office, Toots has long
since had to learn how to keep the rest of the boys at bay. Herein she
shares her wisdom. -ed]
Face it, people.
Sometimes that guy in the bar is just a little more persistent
than he should be. Or the lady on the bus is sitting just a little too close
for comfort -- and she's not even reading anything interesting. That's when you
need to use one of Toots' Top Ten Tried and True Ways to Get Someone to Leave
You Alone. Now, these won't necessarily scare off a truly determined stalker,
but they may discourage someone from stalking you in the first place.
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10. Bodily noises. Burp occasionally, loudly. Be sure to have eaten something
nutritious,
like garlic.
Farting is also good, but harder to do on cue.
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9. Start using the person's face as if it was a mirror. You know, look at them with
that blank, observant look as you adjust your hair, make-up, moustache, etc.
Really, it freaks people out for you to look through them like that.
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8. Start talking to the person, and offer to show them your acupuncture kit
for frogs, your crystals, and your red telephone with a direct line to His
Holyness Bill. This might not work in the San Francisco Bay Area, however.
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7. Pick your nose. Good 'n deep. Offer to share.
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6. Start ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
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5. Bitch and moan about your awful case of
dysentery.
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4. Strike up a conversation with the person, but keep on a glazed expression and
refer to him/her as "mustard seed". If that doesn't work, slowly start referring
to the other people around you as other types of food. If that really doesn't
work, then just say "Well, mostly I think murder is immoral, except in the case
of cannibalism".
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3. Start talking to your shoe. Scold the shoe. Bad shoe! How dare you run
off and leave me with 5 children! How dare you leave me for Francis! Francis
could never spank as well as I can, you know that!
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2. Pretend to be on a mission from God. Obviously, that annoying person has
yet to see the True Light. Ideally, the
God you worship is one
that is no longer widely known. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a heap 'o trouble.
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1. Holding yourself in a fetal position, rock and whisper to
yourself "They're coming... they know what I did... they
know what you did... they know what we all did... Dear God, is it too late?"
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If these don't work to get that person to leave you alone, then,
well, that's what lighter fluid and those long matches are for.
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