See, my father is weird.
He's been living in Maine since 1974, and every year when the weather gets colder, he (like all other Maine-ians [Maniacs?]) is faced with the daunting task of survival through the winter. Maine's winter can be brutally long. I remember snow as early as September and as late as May. It's cold up there! Since humans haven't worked out the hibernation thing and my father hasn't worked out the thermostat thing, staying warm during these months can be a challenge.
Ah, but this not a silly story of how my father stays warm. At least, not physically, biologically or anatomically warm. No, this is more or less about how he stays psychologically warm.
No, I don't know what that means either.
Every year, as long back as I can remember, we had this rule in our house. You don't get to wear your winter coat until December 1. It wouldn't matter if there was a blizzard the size of Canada in our backyard (and remember, in Maine, Canada is your backyard) -- if that blizzard happened before the twelfth month, forget it. You could don six sweaters, but your fall jacket was the extent of the outerwear. At the other end of the spectrum was the equally foolish notion that by April 1, come hell or high (frozen) water, that winter coat went back into storage for the so-called summer months. We would call this window of time the Winter Coat Zone.
At a very young age, I recognized the absurdity of this rule. But he was my father, and we had to do what he said. Otherwise, he'd yell at us, and then we'd have to do what he yelled. But doing what he says and quietly doing what he says are two very different things. And each year, I present a new argument to him, detailing how dumb his rule is. This year's discussion took place online, trading emails. Herewith, the transcription:
PART ONE: The Sarcasm of The Big Jew
From: thebigjew@argumentative.org
To: daddyjew@winterless.com
Subject: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 8:36am
You know what I'm talking about. Start wearing it today. I don't care how warm it might be, but wear the damn coat.
In all seriousness... have we ever discussed the fact that your Winter Coat Zone is 12/1-4/1, which exceeds actual winter by about 30 days (20 on the front end, 10 more on the back).
Whatever. It's 6 degrees warmer today than it was yesterday. I might wear shorts. Ha!
PART TWO: My Father Wearily Explains (with poor capitalization and punctuation)
To: thebigjew@argumentative.org
Subject: Re: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 9:50am
you still don't get it.
it's a PSYCHOLOGICAL GAME... something to make the maine winter seem shorter. people often start bundling ujp in november and we've had some pretty serious snow in april so winter coats can get a six month workout in maine. i'm only tryin g to shorten the sense of winter by associating winter with winter coats and limiting the wearage of winter coaats to four months thereby tricking the mind into believing that winter in maine despite all indications to the contrary is no longer than four months!
the longer youj can delay wearing your winter coat in december the shorter winter will seem. on december 1st, you MAY begin wearing your winter coat but it is not mandatory to begin on the 1st. i will NOT be wearing my winter coat today and winter will be shorter than four months this year!!!
get it?
PART THREE: Rebuttal The First
To: daddyjew@winterless.com
Subject: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 11:59am
I don't get it.
Or more accurately, YOU don't get it.
You're already accepting the notion that winter is LONGER than the three months the calendar allows. From the winter solstice to the spring equinox. It's about 91 days. Or so. That's all. Why do you allow the fact that you live in Maine to dictate that winter must be longer than three months? By allowing coats to exist between the wide range of December 1 to April 1, you are making winter the victor.
And if you give an inch, it will take a mile.
If you didn't allow winter to have these extra thirty days, it might not be so cavalier as to dump snow on your ass in November or blow freakishly cold winds in April. But it senses your weakness. It has seen you, year after year, frightened of its potential. It has seen you go into the depths of your closet, and pull out that down-filled, flannel-lined jacket, a jacket that has been dormant for only eight months and not nine, as it should have been. It has seen you wince with anticipation that the snow might come earlier this year than it has before. And when it knows you're ready - and it knows because of your willingness to consider that coat - that's when it attacks you.
You need to join with the rest of the planet, and recognize that winter is merely a name for something that has to do with the position of the sun with respect to Earth and nothing to do with meteorology. Calendrically speaking, we have chosen the "shortest" day of the year (the day which sees the least amount of sunlight) to mark the beginning of "winter." We chose the "longest" day of the year, and called that the beginning of summer. The midpoints between these two demarcations are the twin equinoxes, spring and autumn. One of them is also titled the "vernal" equinox, but that's not a word that anyone has ever heard of, so no one actually knows whether it means "spring" or "fall."
And if your response is "why the fuck should I pay attention to the calendar?" then you should simply be aware that the calendar (and the rest of the world) actually sees winter as already being shorter than YOU have chosen it to be.
I'm sorry - you live in Maine? And THAT'S your pitiful excuse for EXTENDING winter beyond its natural boundaries? This is about MAINE? So you're not really complaining about winter or coats or the calendar. You're complaining about MAINE. Well, it's not a secret that life in Maine is fucking COLD. In a recent survey, we asked 100 people "What are the first three words that come to mind when I say MAINE?" Survey results were (top seven answers):
- Lobster - 62
- Snow - 59
- Cold - 44
- Winter - 38
- Canada - 32
- Street - 27 (these people thought we said MAIN and not MAINE)
- Pine Trees - 16
The real question then isn't December-First-Versus-December-Twentyfirst... No, the real question is what the HELL are you still doing in Maine? I mean, you're RETIRED. You hate the COLD. You have some MONEY. Get yourself a winter house somewhere warmer for crying out loud. And while you're at it, quit crying out loud! Look: Get a small house in Georgia. Or Greece. Or wherever. Make this rule: you can't live in the Greece house until at least December 1, and you have to move out by April 1. You are free to move there AFTER December 1 (if you so choose). By only living in Greece for four months of the year (instead of the six months during which Maine is cold), you psychologically shorten winter, and at the same time, get many opportunities to eat lamb, grape leaves, and feta cheese.
Oh - and let the rest of us celebrate winter in your Greece house during the vernal months.
Hee hee.
PART FOUR: He Gives Up?
To: thebigjew@argumentative.org
Subject: Re: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 2:12pm
i'm too weary right now to continue this dialogue right now ... but it shall continue ... probably right up til i get alzheimer's and can't tell a winter coat from a hospital johnny ... and maybe even beyond (if you are cruel) (but i'll always know the difference between the vernal equinox and the autumnal equinox ... study your latin, my son) suffice it to say that calendrical demarcations and equinoxes not withstanding, the reality of winter IN MAINE (and maybe in new york too) transcends the sun's position vis-a-vis the earth and has everything to do with meteorology.
PART FIVE: Rebuttal The Second
From: thebigjew@argumentative.org
To: daddyjew@winterless.com
Subject: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 2:55pm
First of all, neither the reality of winter in Maine (or anywhere) nor the scientific phenomenon known as meteorology can transcend the layout of the heavens. Rather, the layout of the heavens dictates both meteorology and calendrical demarcations. It is the simple fact that the earth's position vis-à-vis the sun (by the way, it is the earth that moves, not so much the sun - my apologies for a misleading implication that it might be the other way around) is how both the solstices and equinoxes were determined AND is also the natural explanation for the fact that the temperature is GENERALLY colder in the winter and GENERALLY warmer in the summer (in the northern hemisphere, at any rate).
Truth be told, I'm not sure if anything is actually capable of transcending the heavens. They're the HEAVENS, for God's sake. Literally.
But here's the problem: you're trying to fight on the grounds of two diametrically opposed positions. You can't argue the psychology of winter and the reality of Maine at the same time. If the reality of Maine matters more than days on the calendar, then wear the coat when it is cold, and do not wear the coat when it is not cold. That's the reality. For example: when it is raining, I carry an umbrella. When it is not, I do not carry an umbrella. Leaving the umbrella at home does not allow me to psychologically outsmart the rain. It's the rain. If it's hot, I wear shorts. If it's dry, I drink water. If it's loud, I go home. These are realities.
And here's more of the problem: you're trying to "trick the mind into believing that winter in Maine, despite all indications to the contrary, is no longer than four months." (I quote your email of December 1, 2004 at 9:50am.) Today, you told your mind for the THIRTIETH TIME that winter in Maine begins NOW. (I realize that this may only be the twenty-ninth time or something, and perhaps you didn't develop the Winter Coat System until your second, third or fourth winter in Maine, but thirty is a nice round number, and you've been in Maine that long, so shut up.) If you've done this thirty times, yet you're still aware that the Winter Coat System has flaws (for a perfect system, methinks thou doth protest too much), you apparently have not successfully tricked your mind. And why is that? Why the failure at trickery?
Some possible explanations for failure:
1. Your mind is smarter than you are. It knows when winter starts (coldness) and ends (warmness). It knows whether to wear a coat, and that's why, despite snow, you actually have to THINK and DECIDE to avoid your proper jacket in November.
2. Trickery doesn't deserve to win. Trickery, deception, LIES - these are bad. In the morality of the world, in the proper lessons, the character-building of life (and if Maine's winter isn't character-building, I don't know what is), trickery would never triumph over logic. It's simply unethical.
3. You don't actually want to trick yourself. You know full well when it's right to dress one way and when it's right to dress another. You love the drama of the Winter Coat System. You love provoking me into sequential diatribes. It's the most childish of games. If I didn't respond to your teasing, it wouldn't be fun to play. You're just trying to get a rise out of me!
A few last points. If calendrical demarcations matters so little to you, why did you choose December 1 as the starting gate for winter? Why not December 5? Why not Christmas? New Year's? Your birthday? Why not say that winter is the six-day period immediately following Thanksgiving, and get it out of the way before the snow comes? That way you can enjoy your hot chocolate without worrying about what coat to wear.
A question: Have you met anyone else who subscribes to your theory of winter? Has your tomfoolery generated talk with anyone (other than me) which would lead you to believe that you have made a convincing argument? Does freezing your ass off in a twenty below windstorm in November make you feel like the champion that you are?
If the answers to any of those questions was "yes," or even "maybe," or at a last resort "Leave me to enjoy my winter foolishness in peace," then I say you are the victor, and enjoy winter any way you see fit. But I still want that house in Greece.
p.s. I know what "vernal" is. Some things I write for comic effect, you silly coatless freak.
PART SIX: His Abandonment of My Battle
From: daddyjew@winterless.com
To: thebigjew@argumentative.org
Subject: Re: WEAR IT!
Date: December 1, 2004 4:08pm
you are wonderful ... i love it that you engage so vigorously in this debate ... like travolta and jackson in pulp fiction ... you are sooooo witty ... and your arguments are compelling ... but i do enjoy my little winter-coat regulations ... in the face of your unimpeachable logic, i must persist nevertheless. vernal sounds so feral. and if i don't carry an umbrella on a rainy day, it just isn't raining. if it were, i'd carry an umbrells.
After this, our conversation turned to other things like politics, his aching knees, my nephews (his grandchildren -- and heaven help us if he somehow forces them out of their appropriate attire following a Thanksgiving yet to be). As I do every year on December 2, I abandon my arguments and allow him to wear whatever he wants, whether the weather is cold or whether the weather is not.
But maybe I'll institute a shorts rule. The summer seems longer if we start wearing shorts in February. Or we could apply this logic to other things. A good movie seems longer if we sit in the theater for an hour before it begins. Classes don't seem as long if you leave early. Your teeth are cleaner if you brush them before you eat instead of after.
None of it makes sense. But I suppose if there's some bizarre happiness to be found in self-deception, it is probably best to focus that trickery on something as trivial as a winter jacket.
Happy winter!