Practical Magic

Once again, Nicole Kidman displays that her second-best talent is hiding her Australian accent. Her first-best, of course, is pretending that Tom Cruise is actually straight, but that's not the point. Sandra Bullock reminded us that as bad as it was, Love Potion Number Nine was still better than anything else she's capable of doing now.

In Practical Magic, these two play sisters cursed with the power of being witches. They make spells, things float, they fall in love, people die, Dianne Wiest looks like she's crying, Stockard Channing looks like she belongs in Home Alone VIII, and Aidan Quinn just looks around aimlessly.

The most engaging scene in this film is when Kidman, Bullock, Wiest and Channing get drunk together on some poisoned tequila, and then somehow, after tossing back huge portions of liquor, they have the sense to recognize that the man they killed and buried will actually come back to haunt them. HINT: This is the premise for the movie. I wish I had had a bottle of tequila before sitting through this schlock. Bullock needs a bus, Kidman needs a Cruise, and the movie needs to be forgotten.

The casts of the WB's "Dawson's Creek" and "Zoe, Duncan, Someone Gay, and Someone Else Gay" joined forces to put on the most self-referential horror movie ever. Alicia Witt, who was the really cute redhead we all wanted even though she was much too young in Mr. Holland's Opus, is the best thing in this film, and that might be only because she doesn't act on the WB.

Everyone dies, it's all a game, and too many people scream too much. Shut them up. The worst urban legend here is that if people make enough horror movies, one of them is bound to be new and entertaining. HINT: Your chances of finding such a movie equal that of getting Bill Gates to send you $5,000 for emailing all your friends with a chain letter.

Why did I see this movie? Sharon Stone stopped being naked years ago. Dustin Hoffman hasn't really been spectacular since Tootsie, and Samuel L. Jackson always hates everyone in every movie he does. So what's new here? Michael Crichton's newest novel-to-film epic, Sphere takes over where the crap that was Congo left off. Let it go, Michael. Not all your books make good films.

There's this gold ball. People go inside. Then some HAL9000 clone starts making glow-in-the-dark squid attack them. To be honest, I couldn't stay awake for most of this movie. I rewound, watched again, and fell asleep again. If at first you fail, try again. If you still fail, give up. No sense being a damn fool about it. And I have W.C. Fields to thank for that brilliance.