a discussion of the cinematic arts with The Big Jew
a spring cleaning of cinema


Numerology

Remember when titles were interesting? Apparently, filmmakers today do not. They've run out of words. So many one-word titles float around these days -- like Titanic, Affliction or one I'm looking foward to this summer, Trippin' -- but it seems that we haven't eliminated quite enough of the text from our titles yet. Numbers are fine, when used wisely. 12 Monkeys or 8 1/2 were fine, and Naked Gun 33 1/3 certainly was creative in its title, if nowhere else.

My guess is that words aren't catchy enough. We've heard them all before. And the numbers are feeling ignored. Let's see if they spice up the movies any. While I haven't bothered renting 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or 2001: A Space Odyssey or even 3.14159 (to hell with HTML, I can't remember how to make Greek letters appear), I give you the following:


8MM

8MM is a dark drama of a film starring Nicolas Cage and the guy who had dyed blond hair in Fargo. Cage plays a detective who spends most of the film regretting his choice to abandon his wife and child in order to pursue the makers of a so-called snuff film, in which a girl is murdered. Cage offers his usual span of emotions, ranging from angry actor who can't smile to angry actor smoking.

My theory behind the title is that at any given time, there were eight square millimeters of quality cinema up on the screen. Given that a standard screen is approximately huge, it's not going to be easy to locate the good stuff, especially since they're not the same eight square millimeters from one frame to the next.

The Big Jew's grade:D+

10 Things I Hate About You

For those people who think that the Leonardo DiCaprio/Claire Danes adaptation of Romeo and Juliet was a problem because it ruined Shakespeare by setting it in modern times, then this film is for you. 10 Things appeases that audience by eliminating the Shakespeare from this modernized version of Taming of the Shrew. Other than leaving names intact, none of the Bard's original text remains.

I wanted to do a list of the 10 Things I Hate About This Movie, but I couldn't watch the whole thing. So here's my list of 5 Things I Hate About This Movie.

  1. The lead character looks like Samantha Mathis, but she still doesn't get naked.
  2. The whole film reminds me of a bad episode of "Just Shoot Me" except without David Spade. Come to think of it, this might be one thing I liked about this movie.
  3. The entire cast of Dawson's Creek is in it.
  4. Football players.
  5. Cute high school girls. There were no cute girls in my high school. I grew up in Maine.

I'd rather go watch Kenneth Branagh play all the roles in the original Shakespeare version.

The Big Jew's grade:C+

20 Dates

Myles Berkowitz is a man no one had ever heard of, until he made a film about his pathetic inability to find true love. Now he's a man who about thirty-five people have heard of. And most of them were in the theater the night I saw 20 Dates. In this film, Berkowitz decides to film, documentary-style, twenty first dates with twenty different women, in his effort to find love.

This guy is a such a shnook. I've never seen shnookier. And yet somehow, he manages to find not one, not two but twenty women willing to date him. And he carried a movie camera with him! And most of these women are very attractive! What on earth is this man's secret? I am much less shnooky than this guy, and I haven't had a date in 14 months.

The movie itself was amusing at times, stupid at times, never insightful, and always indicative that no matter how shnooky you might be, there are at least twenty women willing to date you. Happy hunting.

The Big Jew's grade:B+

200 Cigarettes

For my review of 200 Cigarettes, I am joined by my very special friend and movie critic, Dr. Wombat.

The Big Jew: My initial reaction to 200 Cigarettes was that it didn't have enough Afflecks in it. There were only two. Don't those boys have more brothers? Can't we have seven or eight Afflecks per film now?
Dr. Wombat: But look at all the Baldwin brothers. I like Alec, but the rest of them should just go away. I'd hate to have two annoying acting clans headed by one good big brother.
The Big Jew: Oh, you didn't like BIODOME? (Or ECODOME? Or ECOSPHERE? What the hell was it called?) And wait, one of the other Baldwins was in USUAL SUSPECTS, which was actually good! And you suggest that Ben is a good big brother... I think Casey is a better actor. Ben played a spoof of himself in both 200 CIGARETTES and SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE, and he was much more tolerable in those than in CHASING AMY... And I can't wait to see how dreadful he is in FORCES OF NATURE (the poster for which looks like an ad for Capri cigarettes...)
Dr. Wombat: As far as I'm concerned, the jury's still out on Casey. And as for Stephen or Billy or whichever Baldwin was in USUAL SUSPECTS (I never can keep them straight), even bad actors can be made to look acceptable by good casting and directing. Witness Keanu Reeves in the BILL & TED movies and PARENTHOOD. And speaking of casting, I thought 200 CIGARETTES was perfectly cast.
The Big Jew: I almost agree with you on casting, with the sole exception being Gaby Hoffman. For some reason, I can accept Christina Ricci growing up and playing someone in her late teens, but Gaby Hoffman, we haven't seen her since she was in CURLY SUE or MY GIRL 2 or whatever stupid little-girl-film she did ten years ago. So I have a hard time believing that she was old enough even for the role she had.
Dr. Wombat: I had no such problem with her, having wisely avoided MY GIRL 2. Besides, making Courtney Love look good has to count for a lot, doesn't it?
The Big Jew: Courtney Love would look good wearing ten gallons of paint, after THE PEOPLE VS. WOODY HARRELSON. How could she look worse? And comparing Hoffman to Love is like comparing me to the Pope. And I've just been informed that I'm mixing Gaby Hoffman up with some other little girl-actor from the early 90s. Hoffman wasn't in either MY GIRL 2 or CURLY SUE. She was the little girl in FIELD OF DREAMS.
Dr. Wombat: Well, I did see FIELD OF DREAMS, but have absolutely no recollection of her in it. Apparently not a memorable performance on Ms. Hoffman's part. In any case, I thought 200 CIGARETTES was a lot fun. It took a lot of good actors and funny people, put them in appropriate roles and let them play with each other. The plot certainly wasn't stunning, nor were there any grand themes, but I didn't care. It's fun and has lots of laughs. I give it a thumbs up.
The Big Jew: Well, I don't know about my thumbs. I know that Hoffman was in FIELD OF DREAMS -- remember, she chokes on a hot dog, and then some kid turns into Burt Lancaster when he steps on the gravel, and saves Gaby's life. Come on...
Dr. Wombat: Yeah, I remember that plot development. I just can't put a face to the girl, so it doesn't bother me to see her as a teen-ager now. And didn't the way the ballplayers kept emerging from and disappearing into the cornfield remind you of CHILDREN OF THE CORN? It was a little creepy...
The Big Jew: We haven't even talked about the music. How about all that 80s nostalgia there! I was really into all those tunes when I was eight years old, yaright. I didn't hear a single song I remembered from 1981. My parents only played The Roches or Peter, Paul & Mary all the time. Where was that? Oh, maybe my parents weren't as hip as the Affleck boys.
Dr. Wombat: I remembered some of the music, but certainly not all. But what they played was certainly appropriate for 1981. I mean, it's not they played "Feed the World" or anything from THRILLER.
The Big Jew: Can we talk for a minute about Kate Hudson? First of all, she's not even TWENTY yet! But she is incredibly beautiful. I just had to say that. Kate Hudson can have all my thumbs.
Dr. Wombat: And anything she likes.
The Big Jew: Certainly.
Dr. Wombat: Anything else, I meant.
The Big Jew: I'd give it all. Find out what she wants, would you?
Dr. Wombat: No prob. She's on my speed-dial.
The Big Jew: You're on my speed-dial.
Dr. Wombat: There's your problem -- you need fewer webzine columnists in your life, and more beautiful starlets. But then again, don't we all.
The Big Jew: Somehow, I don't accept the premise that if I remove you from my speed-dial, Kate Hudson will call.
Dr. Wombat: I'll see what I can do for you. No guarantees, though.
The Big Jew: Well, despite Kate Hudson's complete failure to call me, despite Paul Rudd's ridiculous sideburns, despite my disappointment that Curly Sue wasn't actually in the film after all, I still give 200 CIGARETTES an A-. Enjoyable, not too long, and I ate almost half a bag of Goldfish crackers during it.
Dr. Wombat: I thought Kate Hudson was wonderful in the movie. You know who I couldn't stand, though, was that annoying artist guy. What was with his accent? Was he an Australian Scotsman? Or a Scottish Aussie? He could've had a lot less screen time.
The Big Jew: He could have had less screen time, more clothes, and you're right -- what the hell was with that accent? And speaking of that guy... The muscles in his neck (made all too evident by his lack of vestements) have more screen energy than Nicolas Cage, in my opinion. Read my review of 8MM for more on that.
Dr. Wombat: I'd like to agree with you on the A-, but I just can't. For one thing, all the hilarity was lovely, but the film was a little heavyhanded on pointing out who the right couples were supposed to be. Was there any mystery in how the Janeane Garafalo - Paul Rudd - Courtney Love triangle was going to turn out? Or whether Martha Plympton's party would happen? And I really hated that accent. Still, the movie was incredibly entertaining. And what the ending lacked in surprise, it made up for in generous doses of Dave Chappelle. I give it a B+.

The Big Jew's grade:A-

The Rage: Carrie 2

Lastly, Dr. Wombat has offered his services once again in helping me review The Rage: Carrie 2

Dr. Wombat: The Rage: Carrie 2 combines the worst of two cinematic trends which cannot die fast enough. The whole teen-age, slash up the hotties with big breasts genre is getting really tired. Now, I have no problem with hotties or their breasts, but if I'm going to pay almost $10 to sit in a movie theatre for 90 minutes, I want a little more substance. And it's a sequel to a movie that doesn't need one. I know that original ideas rarely come out of Hollywood, but with all the money they throw at people out there, they can't find one author willing to change the plot enough that they don't have to call it CARRIE 2?
The Big Jew: I prefer to call the film by the title listed on the Internet Movie Database, which is Rage: Carrie 2, The. To me, that title offers about as much logic as the film merits. I differ with you on the necessity of hotties and breasts. However, I know from experience (and wasted money at video stores) that sequels never have as many hotties or as many breasts as their predecessors. Take the Police Academy series, for example. The first one, at least three shots of naked ladies. The second one, none. The third, not even a suggestion that women have potential to be naked.
Dr. Wombat: I have to admit that I haven't made it past number two of the Police Academy series. (How many are there by now? Twelve? Do they all star Steve Gutenberg?) Then again, I haven't seen Carrie 2 yet either, but I don't need to see it to know it stinks. It'll be just like the good Carrie, only not as scary, with more special effects, and they'll turn the psychokinetic chick into a loose girl instead of a dweeb so they can show her breasts more often. Yawn. If you want to be scared, you can buy Stephen King's book for less money. Or see an Alfred Hitchcock film. And if you insist on seeing a lot of teenage skin, there are better movies around for that, too. Like Wild Things, for instance. Now that's quality titilation. Or Michelle Pfeiffer's transformation scene in Batman 2.
The Big Jew: I think there are 29 Police Academy movies now, but only the first three have Steve Guttenberg in them. The others mostly seem to feature that short obnoxious man who always plays a stupid police sergeant in everything (he was also in Mannequin, and all the other films like it). I'd be willing to wager that they don't show much of Carrie-2's breasts in the movie. Other people in the film, maybe. Not Amy Irving, either. She won't be naked. And no one ever gets naked in Hitchcock films. Unless you count the little you see of Anne Heche in the remake of Psycho. However, Anne Heche in Wild Side (not Wild Things, which I disagree, it was pathetic titilation), there was a lot of Anne to see there...
Dr. Wombat: Wild Things didn't do it for you?
The Big Jew: Wild Things was only for Neve Campbell fans to hope that she'd finally be naked in something, and then she wasn't. That other girl was naked, but no one knew her name, so she didn't have much of a following.
Dr. Wombat: Her name is Denise Richards.
The Big Jew: To her, I say feh. To Wild Things, I say feh. And to Rage: Carrie 2, The, I say feh feh feh. Amityville 3-D was a better horror flick. If you want teenage breasts, go through the curtain marked "Adults Only" at the video store. If you want Amy Irving, see Micki & Maude (of course, if you want Amy Irving, there's something wrong with you), and if you want fear, live with the guy who sublet my apartment this past spring. One day. I dare you. You'll never sleep soundly again.
Dr. Wombat: Have you noticed how we can only talk about naked women when reviewing 2 Carrie The: Rage? It's because there's nothing good to say about the film at all. My only hope is that it pulls the whole teen-scream genre down with it; give us another seven years to forget why those movies are so tiresome. I give it an F. Is there anything lower? An F-? This movie should be buried in an unmarked grave at the side of the road.
The Big Jew: I only give Carrie The 2: Rage a D-. Yes, it's a film worth skipping, and in fact, I urge our readers to try their best to forget it was ever even made. Nonetheless, there are movies out there with absolutely nothing worth even mentioning. 2 The: Rage Carrie at least offers something to spark a conversation. See, we've spent ten minutes discussing breasts, all thanks to how bad :The Car:rie Rag:e 2:: is. Plus, it's the only film out now with both a subtitle AND a tagline: Carrie 2: The Rage - "looks can kill."
Dr. Wombat: I'd combine them. "Kill Carrie 2."
The Big Jew: I'd combine them as "Look: Carrie Can Rage."
Dr. Wombat: "Rage: I'll cook the 2 rank eclairs."
The Big Jew: "Skip the film: I'll EAT 2 eclairs."

The Big Jew's grade:D-

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