The Matrix

The Matrix stars Keanu Reeves in yet another role which defies all laws of logic. And I'm not talking about the special effects. First of all, in case you've been living underground since Kennedy was shot, here's a newsflash:

He couldn't act in Devil's Advocate, he couldn't act in Speed, he couldn't act in A Walk In The Clouds, and even though he miraculously pulled it off, he couldn't even act in Bill and Ted's Anything.

The only reason Carrie Anne Moss was cute was because she was the only woman in the damn movie, except for the freaky lady in white who never spoke. And the fact that her true love for Keanu was what saved his life when he was more of a goner than Marvin in Pulp Fiction almost made me leave the theater. The only saving grace to this film was Hugo Weaving, the creepy guy who played the lead secret agent. His resume escapes me, but his voice hasn't. His line readings were almost worth the hard-earned Grumble salary I spent on my ticket.

The special effects were exciting, except that I had seen them all in ads for The Gap. Christ, can't these people come up with anything new? I'd already bought my khakis, and I still don't want to learn to swing dance. So what's the point of being able to freeze and turn in mid-air? And how about Keanu Reeves and Laurence Fishbreath learning how to do forty-seven kinds of martial arts only so that they could show them off in one useless scene, and then be done with it? As far as I'm concerned, that little tangent from the movie was about as useful to me as the do-it-yourself Tae-Bo videos they're hawking on television now.

Pushing Tin is a term used to describe what air traffic controllers do. It's slang for moving airplanes around. I had no idea. And watching this movie made me realize that I liked it better when I had no idea. I haven't flown again since the film, and it might be a while. However, I actually liked this picture.

Thank god for John Cusack. This might be my favorite John Cusack film. He was absolutely wonderful. He plays the top-notch controller at this particular air traffic control place. You know, I never figured out if they were at the airport, or near the airport, and which airport they worked for, or did they work for several... Many questions, no answers. Story of my life.

Billy Bob Jim Sue Larry Thornton was quite enjoyable as Cusack's competition. He's the new guy in town, and he shows everyone up by being creepy, aloof, weird as all hell, and better than everyone at pushing the tin around. He wears a feather in his hair, which merits several unanswered questions. Go figure.

All in all, this was delightful. Not worth the price of a New York City movie ticket, but good nonetheless. Cost not withstanding, I liked it.

What's the big deal about Reese Witherspoon? Where did she come from? Why is she suddenly the cat's whatever? She was in Pleasantville, did a nice job, and the next thing you know, she's this twentysomething genius on the cover of every magazine in town. She starred in Cruel Intentions, which I never saw. And now Election.

Witherspoon was good. Don't get me wrong. I'm not buying into the media's ploy to get me to love this girl. Her chin is too big, and her nostrils are too big. Besides, she's pregnant, and that doesn't work for me. But in this film, she was quite enjoyable, especially her Snoopy-like dancing in the hallways of her school.

Oh, yeah. The premise. High school, they all vote for class president. Reese wants to win. Matthew Broderick is delightful as a teacher who sets out to ruin poor Reese's piece of fame by setting up some football player to run against her. Broderick turns in his best work since Ferris Bueller, and I'm not even going to mention that somewhere out there, he stars in a film version of Inspector Gadget.

Even the expected is fun. Sure, the ending is somewhat predictable, and the characters are all too big for reality, but the performances were smart and the direction was quite inventive.

I know, the film has been out for a while, but it's still in many theaters, and if you haven't seen it, you must. It is wonderfully inventive, brilliantly acted, it won several Academy Awards, and Gwyneth Paltrow makes every single straight man happy by being naked and in focus at the same time for the first time.

Tom Stoppard wrote the script. Paltrow, Joseph Fiennes, Judi Dench and others spoke the lines. Shakespeare set up all the humor by being the brilliant playwright he was hundreds of years ago. Ben Affleck and Geoffrey Rush are delightful in their small roles. Dench, who won an Oscar for being onscreen for about four seconds, is a riot.

Did I mention that Paltrow is naked?

You've heard it all, but if you follow my opinions, then I have to give this movie my highest mark for this issue. Even without the breasts, this movie is a winner.