starring Will Smith and Gene Hackman

Contracts are amazing things. Gene Hackman doesn't show up until about 40 minutes into this film, and then he has a whopping total of 19 minutes of screen time, and he gets second billing. It's like the 1956 black-and-white film of Little Shop of Horrors, featuring Jack Nicholson for TWO MINUTES, and now the film is advertised as Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors. Granted, Hackman has the second largest part after Will Smith, but it's Smith's movie.

In this film, Smith is a member of the military, and takes on a special mission to defeat aliens from outer space. Oh, whoops. That's Independence Day. Uh, rather, Smith is a street cop who signs on with a secret division of the United States government, and teams with Tommy Lee Jones to battle aliens on Earth... Damn. That's Men In Black. Does it really make a difference? By moving to the big screen, Smith has demonstrated that he has limited versatility. He can either play the Fresh Prince of Bel Air (a wisecracking smart-ass kid who lives with his cousins parents), or the Will Smith of today (a wisecracking smart-ass adult who lives with Jada Pinkett or Regina King or whoever is playing his wife in the latest film).

[NOTE: The Big Jew, with limited intelligence and interest in some of the minor characters in Smith's films, tends to mix up the wives, both on and off screen. Hell, I don't know him personally. And if he's reading this article, he can mail me himself and tell me which one is his real wife.]

This movie is chock full of setup, but offers very little payoff. Jon Voight plays a sneering narrow-minded businessman (business suits, courtesy of The Rainmaker; sneer, courtesy of Anaconda). Lisa Bonet (remember the kid on the old Cosby Show who we all thought might be white?) is a former flame of Smith's, and after so many years in television and film, she still can't open her eyes all the way. Gabriel Byrne is onscreen for about four seconds. Long enough for us to say, "Hey, isn't he the guy from The Usual Suspects?" and then he's gone. Honestly, I don't even remember what happens to him. He probably blows up. Everything blows up in this film.

The highlights of this are a middle-aged Japanese couple who mistake Smith for a stripper.

My mother wanted to go see Elizabeth instead of this. When will I ever learn to listen to my mother?

For more of The Big Jew's film critique, select from the list below:

• A Bug's Life
• Prince of Egypt
• You've Got Mail
• Very Bad Things