America Online. Two words that, for me, have set the bar for stupidity over the years. "So easy to use, no wonder it's number one!" is their slogan. My suggestion: "So stupid are the people who work here, no wonder all of stupid America feels right at home with your service!" I have been one of the stupid Americans for a long time. Well, relatively long. Four years. I used to do a lot of travelling, and I never knew where I'd be from day to day, month to month. So I signed onto America Online, which offered dial-up service from most cities in the United States. Wonderful! Since living in New York, and travelling less frequently, I have found little use for the worldwide service. I certainly am not a big fan of the slow connection speeds, the regular busy signals, the inundation of advertisements, the fact that each time I log off, I have to stay online for six more minutes just to download "new features for your enjoyment!" To save money on my membership, I paid for a year at a time. And on January 25, 2001, my current membership is set to expire. So in December, 2000, I got an email from AOL suggesting that I renew my membership. Further, they informed me that if I did nothing, I would be "automatically renewed for your convenience." Included in this email was a hyperlink to an AOL help screen for further information. Nowhere in the email did they even hint at the notion that I might want to CANCEL my service. So I click on the hyperlink, hoping to find out more information. I get to their BILLING MANAGER screen (after first discovering that the account I used to use was not the master account, and I couldn't do billing changes from there, and then I had to wait four minutes for them to be able to process my request to switch to the master account -- interesting side note: Did you know that if AOL's server is a bit too busy, you can't log out? Nope, if they can't handle your request within about fifteen seconds, they wait about two minutes to tell you that they're too busy. You're stuck!) Anyway, I get to the BILLING MANAGER under the master account, finally. And I look in their lengthy list of options. They include: Change your pricing plan Renew your current membership Add more screen names Add another account to your credit card Change your credit card Pay more money for fewer services Waste a lot of time with stupid AOL tricks! Buy, buy, buy! We own you! ... and so on. But where on this list is "How do I cancel my account?" It's not there. Finally, I find a folder called "Frequently Asked Questions." It wasn't too hidden, but it wasn't too obvious either. Double-click on that folder, and here's a new list of options: How do I change my pricing plan? How do I renew my membership? How do I add more screen names? How do I add another account to my credit card? ... and so on. Yes, the same list as above, but in question form for all the Alex-Trebek-types out there. I'll take How The Fuck Do I Cancel My Account for $200, Alex! Ah, there it is. "How do I cancel my membership?" I click on that, hoping that I am now just one click away from termination. Alas, no. That would be too easy. Instead, to cancel your membership, you have to either call a 1-888 number, send a fax, or write a letter -- NORMAL POSTAL MAIL! There is no online option for cancelling your service! One would think that in this day and age of CLICK = RESULT that we'd be able to click our way out of a situation. This is not the case. So I write down the number. At this point, I try and log off of AOL so that I can make the call, and AOL tells me that I have to download "new features for your enjoyment!" To the new features, I say go to hell. But I can't say much for three minutes. Ah! And then my computer automatically restarts AOL and signs me on so that I can begin enjoying my new features immediately. It's a good thing I have AOL to tell me when I want to be online. Fucking loser AOL, quit quit quit, let me back to my desktop, stop using my phone line to make calls that I haven't authorized, it's my phone bill, GO TO HELL. So I call the number. (Incidentally, if you're considering cancelling your AOL membership, the number to call is 1-888-265-8008.) First, I have to deal with a series of recorded messages and menu options (none of which is "To cancel your membership, press 6"), and finally it rings. Someone answers. I hear them answer. I hear them breathing! I hear him cough. It sounds like a him. He hasn't spoken yet, only breathed and coughed. So I say, "Hello?" I feel silly, initiating the conversation, because it was I who called him. He should be the first to speak. But then, it was I who initiated the call, so what the hell. "Hello?" I say again. "Thank you for ca--" he says, and then hangs up on me. Bastard. I call back. I get the same recorded messages, the same lack of satisfactory menu options, and finally, the same guy! I recognize what little of his voice I had heard before, and I recognize his breathing. Heavy breathing. Damn. What follows is not a dramatization. It is an actual transcript of an actual conversation. The characters are THE BIG JEW and AOL GUY.

AOL GUY: Thank you for calling America Online, America's number one internet service provider. How can I help you today? Uh, tonight? THE BIG JEW: I'd like to cancel my membership      (Silence. For about forty seconds.) THE BIG JEW: Hello? AOL GUY: I'm trying to bring up your account. THE BIG JEW: I haven't told you my name, username or anything. How do you know what account is mine? AOL GUY: What's the name on the account? THE BIG JEW: My name is The Big Jew, last name spelled J-E-W. [the author's real name has been removed for his/her protection.]      (Silence. Twenty seconds.) THE BIG JEW: Hello? AOL GUY: I'm sorry, I don't see an account here. What is the username? THE BIG JEW: O-V-E-R-S-I-Z-E-J-E-W. [the author's real AOL username has also been removed.]      (Silence. Twenty-two seconds. I've actually begun timing these pauses.) THE BIG JEW: Are you still there? AOL GUY: There doesn't seem to be an account in your name. What credit card will you be using today? THE BIG JEW: I don't want to use a credit card. I want to cancel my membership. AOL GUY: What credit card do we have on file for you? THE BIG JEW: I'm not sure. I have a lot of credit cards. I don't know right now which one you have. AOL GUY: I can't cancel your account without a credit card number. THE BIG JEW: I don't want to BUY anything new. Can't you check on the other data, and I can confirm who I really am through that? AOL GUY: No, I'm sorry. I need the last four digits of your credit card number. THE BIG JEW: But you can't tell me what card it is? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: You can't tell me if it's Discover or Master Card or Visa or American Express? AOL GUY: Yes. THE BIG JEW: Well? AOL GUY: Yes, it's one of those.      (I try to kill him with a little voodoo doll I have at home. It doesn't work.) THE BIG JEW: Ooookay.      (I find my wallet, and pull out the credit cards.) THE BIG JEW: Is it 6834? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: Is it 5701? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: Is it 3373? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: Is it 1080? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: Is it 9034? AOL GUY: No. THE BIG JEW: How can it be none of those? Those are my cards! AOL GUY: It's not one of those. THE BIG JEW: Wait. There's one more card.      (But the card isn't in my wallet. I don't use this card anymore. It's in my desk somewhere. I think. But I can't find it. What is the damn number? Shit, I can't find the card.) THE BIG JEW: Wait. I'm looking for the other card.      (The AOL GUY is silent. Big shock. I keep looking. I can't find the card. I don't have a bill from this card, because I never use it for anything, and the last thing I bought was an AOL account last year. What is the number? I think really hard, and try and remember the number -- I used to have it memorized. I keep reciting it my mind, but I only know the first 13 digits, and there are 16 total, and he needs the last four! Shit! What will I do?! Finally...) THE BIG JEW: Is it 1666!!!! AOL GUY: Yes.      (Relief.) THE BIG JEW: Thank you. AOL GUY: So you want to renew your membership, right? THE BIG JEW: NO!!! I want to cancel my membership. AOL GUY: Why do you want to cancel your membership? THE BIG JEW: I don't like the service. AOL GUY: What don't you like about the service? THE BIG JEW: It's slow, it's expensive, and I don't use it anymore. AOL GUY: Why don't you use it anymore? I have on my screen that you used it just an hour ago.      (Now he has it on his screen? Minutes ago, he said there was no such account!) THE BIG JEW: Yes, I did that so that I could figure out how the fuck to cancel. AOL GUY: And did you find the information quickly and easily? THE BIG JEW: No, it was slow and laborious, like this phone call. AOL GUY: So why aren't you happy with America Online? THE BIG JEW: I just want to cancel the goddamn account. Will you do that NOW? AOL GUY: I'll tell you what. We'll give you another two months on a trial basis, so you can see how great America Online really is -- THE BIG JEW: No. Stop. I do NOT want two more months. I don't want two more days. I don't use your service. I hate your service! I want it cancelled NOW. AOL GUY: You'd be able to try it out for free for two months. THE BIG JEW: Hello? I want to cancel. No two months. No free. Cancel. Stop. Cancel. AOL GUY: Okay, I'll cancel your account. THE BIG JEW: And I never want to billed anything again. AOL GUY: It sometimes takes two to five business days to complete a cancellation. THE BIG JEW: My service runs out on January 25. That should be enough time. AOL GUY: You never know.      (I hate this man.) THE BIG JEW: I don't want to be billed ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN. AOL GUY: Thank you for calling America Onl--      (He hangs up.)

Today, I tried connecting to America Online (to see if my account has been cancelled). When I did, I got a window that said, "Thank you for reactivating your America Online account! Click here to continue!" and then in very small letters in a box at the bottom, "click here to cancel reactivation." I clicked the cancel button. I got another window, "Are you sure you don't want to reactivate your America Online account, and learn more about why America Online is America's number one internet service provider?" Again, I clicked cancel. Yet another window, "Thank you for choosing America Online, America's number one internet service provider. If you'd like to reactivate your account in the future, just call 1-800-AOL-RULEZ for customer assistance." [AOL-RULEZ is not a real phone number. The author will not support the notion that his/her readers would ever choose American Online as their internet service provider. Ever.] And as a final post-script, I tried uninstalling America Online from my computer. Even that process included three efforts by the uninstallation software to reverse my wishes and have me actually RE-install the program instead. I saw through the ruse, and I now live an AOL-FREE existence. I just signed up for NetZero. So far, there's a little annoyance with ads and such. But hey, I have my own email at thebigjew@folded.com, so I don't need AOL to stay connected. NetZero is free.