Two actual emails, with only the names and addresses changed.

Dear Shoggroth, As a person involved in website development you recognize that finding a good web host offering reasonably priced quality services can be quite difficult. We believe that offering a combination of quality services, timely and responsive customer support and good prices is where our company excels. SPAMEX is a flexible company providing quality and cost effective web hosting solutions with focus on small and medium businesses. Recently we introduced new service plans offering flexibility, performance and value: Our plans are: Basic $6.95 40 Mb of diskspace 10 POP3 mailboxes, unlimited aliases, autoresponders unlimited ftp accounts, URL protection, shell access and more no setup fee Advanced $14.95 80 Mb of diskspace 15 POP3 mailboxes, unlimited aliases, autoresponders unlimited ftp accounts, URL protection, shell access CGI/SSI scripting (Perl, Python, Tcl) PHP4 scripting Frontpage 2002 extensions Graphical web statistics various optional services and more no setup fee Professional customizable, make-your-own plan select only those services that you need All plans include full 30-day money back guarantee and there is no setup fee. Services and features associated with your hosting account can be managed via our easy to use Control Center. Everything is right there at your finger tips and if you are stuck our customer support team will provide you with friendly and personal attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please visit our website for more information. Sincerely, Irene Morris Sales Manager morris@spamex.spam

Dear Irene: As a person involved in spamming unsuspecting people with your fairly lame services, you recognize that that finding anyone naive enough to actually purchase your offerings can be quite difficult. I believe that offering embarassingly small amounts of diskspace, mailing list management, and services that might have looked good in 1996 but certainly don't look compelling today is where your company "excels," if one can use that word a little facetiously. SHOGGROTH is a flexible guy providing quality and cost effective friendships with a focus on intelligent, attractive, articulate people, which I'll go out on a limb and suggest that you might not be, given your shady business practices and faintly desperate tone. Get out, much? Recently, I introduced new service plans for people who spam me, offering derision, a few personal insults, and some crude innuendo: My plans are: Basic: $5.95 (note: cheaper than yours!) insults regarding your personal appearance and writings some derisive laughter to myself (bonus!) unlimited doodling caricatures of you on napkins with crossed eyes and your tongue sticking out and little arrows pointing to the caricature saying "Irene Morr-Is a poopyhead" (I've been spending a lot of time with a five year old recently, and even he doesn't offer this service) no setup fee Advanced: $12.95 (still cheaper than yours!) insults regarding your business plan and sexual prowess a phone call to your corporate office to complain about your spamming maybe a little constructive criticism regarding the look of your website, which, it must be said, looks like a ripoff of Amtrak's Acela site done by slightly hungover people who've read too much William Gibson Professional: customizable, select-your-own-derision plan select only the insults you think you can take, you thin-skinned, spamming, hydrocephalitic morons All my plans don't offer you any money back, naturally. You broke it, you bought it. There is, same as with your plans, no setup fee. Services and features associated with you spamming me and my sophomorically calling you names, my writing back to what is almost certainly a mailbox so full of abuse that my puerile little note will never get noticed or appreciated for what it is, are, of course, not actually available to you. I'd no more provide you with responsive service than I'd cut off my head. The ability to quit spamming, though, is right there at your finger tips, and if you find yourself stuck, I'd suggest that you sit back from the computer for a couple of minutes, maybe get a cup of tea, look out the window at the sky, ask out the cute coworker you've had your eye on for months but figured they'd never give you the time of day, or go fire up the grill and have a veggie burger and a beer. Failing that, call an escort service and get yourself laid -- they're available to provide friendly and personal attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It can only do you (and by extension to my inbox, me) some good. Best, Shoggroth Sales Rejector grumblemagazine.com