-by Sassafras

The two most important things about driving the bus like you own the fucking world are attitude and a rudimentary understanding of physics. The physics part is easy. You are the biggest. You win. If someone runs a light, plays chicken at a stop sign, or makes a right in front of your bus, and they miscalculate even a little, you own their souls. If they are, for example, too engrossed in their cell phone conversations, while smoking a cigarette, drinking a diet Pepsi and shoving a Twinkie in their mouth, they will be nothing more than a smear of bloody grease on the road when you are through with them. Just try and find a bus collision where the bus driver doesn't mosey off the front of his bus to examine the steaming, twisted wreckage of some Toyota Corolla that is wedged under his front wheels. In fact, the only reason he noticed that he was dragging your piece of shit car under his wheels is that in interfered with the reception of his radio and he got out to see what the fucking deal was. The attitude part is harder to master. It takes lots of practice. Just remember, as you are steaming down the street with the big engine roaring out from under you: you are the fucking bus driver. You are not a chauffer or a baby sitter. You do not give directions to little old ladies who waddle up to the bus with their walkers, and beg you to tell them where the nearest diabetic clinic is. You do not show the sites to churchy couples from Nebraska, dressed in matching madras plaid outfits, who say "Oh gosh" constantly and who are just in town to see the city for a few days. You drive the bus, and more importantly, you drive it on time. The clock is your foe. Not the inept passengers; not the asinine drivers. They are simply distractions and obstacles. The clock is your mortal enemy. The later you are the more annoying, whiney people you will have to deal with. The first thing to do is learn your route; this is assuming that you have mastered the skills necessary to obtain a CDL. With that out of the way, learning your route will keep you on time. Try to learn the timing of the lights. If you see a light about to change and you know it is a long yellow, blow through it; don't even breathe on the brakes. If this means skipping a stop and leaving people stranded, then so fucking be it. (It's important to remember that if these people were anything worth bothering about, they would have a car.) If you know that there is a place where the bus stop is set in a little, you can stop there, albeit briefly, and block two lanes of traffic at the same time, allowing you clear passage to pull back into whatever lane you choose when the stop is completed. If you get to know the people on your route in a basic and primitive way, you can work out a symbiotic relationship that will benefit you both. Explain to them on the first day, the only day you will ever speak to them, that they have a job too. Their job is twofold. They are not to talk to you, and they are to enter and exit the bus with all speed and alacrity. If they can actually prove to you that they can jump into and out of the bus while it is still moving, you will promise to slow down to under 10 mph. If they cannot agree to this, then you can't really agree to pick them up, now can you? This brings us to the next point of how to drive the bus like you own the fucking world: the rolling stop. This is a technique I just alluded to. It entails not actually stopping the bus for "bus stops", as if that name implied something. You would use your left foot to operate the right hand turn signal, which is (as you would know from your CDL class) on the floor on the left side of the pedals. While signaling right, you would use your right foot to ease the bus down into the 10-15 mph range, as you gently yank the wheel to the right to skim the curb where the "stop" is. A good passenger will actually be waiting for you 30 yards before the bus stop and will start from a crouch, and will sprint down the street alongside the bus to leap in the front door as the right front wheels just graze the curb. This is a similar technique to a baton pass in track and field, but the baton this time is a ride on the Magic Bus. (side note: any jackass who starts singing or requests that you play the song "Magic Bus" will be tossed from the vehicle immediately, with no rolling stop to cushion the blow. Only the bus driver is allowed to elude to the "Magic Bus".) Passengers who cannot master the "baton pass" boarding technique must consider the bus a catch-as-catch-can kind of transportation. Maybe the train is the right public transportation system for them? The deboarding technique that is preferred by discerning bus drivers everywhere is a little more complicated, as it involves the passengers defying the law of gravity for a moment. While the boarding passengers are wrestling into the bus, deboarding passengers must step out the back door from the bus while it is going 10-15 mph. Unfortunately there is no way to get a running start on this. They must simply float for a second and then step lightly to the ground. I cannot give you more information than that, unfortunately, as I am not sure how it works or if it works. But that is not your fucking problem. As soon as the people bounce off the last step and into the great wide open, they cease to be any concern of the bus driver. So the time between the step and the ground is between them and whatever God they choose to worship. Music can be a key and often overlooked element to driving the bus. There are two schools of thought on this subject. One is that the driver should choose music that invigorates him into driving faster, better and more machine-like. Maybe the Violent Femmes really get you going, or Ministry ("Jesus Built My Hotrod" seems appropriate). If that is the case, they should be pumping out of the speakers with the force of a gale wind. This will inspire you to drive with passion and vigor. The other school of thought holds that the driver should choose music that is the most likely to irritate and aggravate his passengers, thereby discouraging them from boarding the bus, or staying on it long if they do board. This can be used in conjunction with punitive temperature control. It can be simply summed by "heat in the summer, A/C in the winter". A bus hurtling down the street in 104 degree weather with all windows rolled up, the heat blasting and Yanni pouring out of the speakers might make a potential passenger think twice about boarding. They might turn around and make like they are looking at a fucking bird as they stroll away from the stop as you barrel by. Another tenet of good bus driving is that speed limits are for cars. Though it is difficult on a city street, try and drive as fast as you can, as often as possible, with total disregard for the speed limits. Think of them as a challenge instead of a limit. Can you do 45 mph down the main drag? Can you get the bus to 60 on the highway? When you accomplish these goals, set new ones. It's important to keep motivated, as this can be a draining job. Don't worry about the cops. Have you ever seen a bus pulled over? If you follow these simple guidelines, you can have a rewarding and punctual job as a bus driver. It is a field where personal effort is rewarded in many ways, and you can feel like you own the fucking world.