Often it is a good thing that it is common in our society to take bald statements and wrap words around it to make it sound friendlier, nicer, or more palatable to swallow. Take classic break-up language. "I don't like you enough to date you, for whatever reason, be it sexual, intellectual, or the way you snort when you laugh," becomes "I think we should just be friends," or "I'm in a place right now where I want to be alone." Confusing, but nicer than what the breaker-of-hearts wants to say. We all know that the greeting "how are you" basically means "Hi, and don't tell me how you're doing, I don't have time to listen or care." Most of our little comments are nods and winks to true meanings, and we don't question them.

There is, however, a new bald-faced statement growing that is being couched in niceties, and I find it my personal mission to unveil these horrid practices and show them to be the rude and horrific statements they are.

I call it Insult Marketing.

You've experienced it, I'm sure. The bald statement is "You suck. Pay me money to fix you." What gets me is that they don't even try hard to hide it.

I first came across this lovely marketing tool when I was working as a Webmaster for a computer gaming company. The Web department consisted of just me, so any mistakes made were my fault, and any insults slung at the site landed directly on me. I received an email describing to me all of the things wrong with the site: not interactive enough, graphics weren't flashy enough, broken link here, outdated information there... and then a little pitch at the bottom telling me they would be happy to relieve me of the burden of managing such a dreadful site.

They could have saved time were they to write, "Your site sucks. Give me your job." I didn't email them back.

I've already written about my lovely trip to the spa, where I was told that a howler monkey had better facial hygiene and fewer clogged pores than I, after which the woman tried to sell me a $47 face cream with a straight face.

In the terms of House Beautiful, I found a note on my front door a couple of months ago. It had all the grace and beauty of a note you'd receive in third grade: "I like you, do you like me? Check this box: No. Yes. Kind of. I hate you." It was a list (complete with check boxes) of all the things that were wrong with my house. The paint job, rust damage, rotting wood, offensive landscaping, dog crap in the yard... all of it equaled yuck. These entrepreneurs felt that if they passed me a note in class telling me just how bad my house looked that I would reach deep into my pockets and pay them to make it pretty. Apparently they thought that if they pointed out the large rust stain and peeling paint, it would open my eyes* and I would thank them profusely and maybe give them a pony. (They were college students – business students – after all. I certainly felt that the world owed me a pony while I was in college.)

Whatever happened to, "You have lovely skin, but it could use a bit of help here and there where you're oily (which is no fault of your own)?" Whatever happened to being polite to the customer? I've served many customers in my life that I felt were so ignorant I was amazed they'd manage to button their shirts, but I was still polite to them. Now I find the marketer's message is "You are obviously a damn fool who cannot wipe her own bottom. Pay me money and I suppose I'll stoop to helping you fit in with normal society."

What gets me is that this marketing technique must be working, else someone would say, "Gee, no one likes it when we tell them they're ugly and then demand money." Hell, telemarketing works, right?

I suggest marketers go all out, then. Slim Fast commercials could contain "Hey, you with the super-sized meal. You're fat and everyone stares at you. Give me money and maybe you'll get laid one day." How about restaurants? "It's clear you can't cook, jerk, so don't even try. Come here and eat our expensive food, and maybe we'll give you some bread for free! Everyone loves free bread!" Even colleges could jump on the bandwagon. "You graduated from high school and you're still a dumbass! Come get more schooling so you won't end up pimply faced and working at a gas station!"

The goal is to make the customer feel so incredibly bad about themselves that they know that only your product can help. My face is so vile that mere soap and supermarket-bought creams can't help! My Website needed more than just an objective eye and some QA testing! My house makes the leaning shack down the road look like Biltmore House! Help help! Won't someone save me from this pit I have built for myself!

I think if we continue on this road, marketing will eventually degenerate into, "Hey asshole. Buy our shit." And someone will, too.

* Incidentally, my husband and I knew all of these things and were in the process of getting estimates to paint and fix up the house. These college kids were not on the list of possible contractors. I wanted to make them a list of how many ways they'd offended me, and offer my services in teaching them about customer service, but I got distracted by television.