-by MOTHER

So my attempts to be something other than myself have failed. After I was forcibly evicted from the circus, I resolved to be nothing more than me, myself and I. And the best me I could possibly be -- that me being a spoiled suburban housewife. So as I hitched home from the circus I was all full of plans. Did I tell you truckers really are the nicest people? I drove almost halfway with a guy named Gus from Munster, Indiana. He was taking a load of grapefruit from Texas to Detroit. We had a fender bender just outside of Hannibal, Missouri. It was really just a minor run in with a pickup truck full of hogs, but the damn hogs spilled out all over the road. Squealing and running and snuffling. As the pickup driver tore his hair out, Gus and I went charging across the road to round them up before they caused a multi-car pile-up. Have you ever tried tackling a half-grown pig in a roadside gully, full of dried thistles from last summer? I'm not sure whether I was glad the water in the gully was frozen or not. I suppose the mud might have slowed down the pig, but it would have wrecked havoc with the feathers and sequins on my body suit, (I did tell you I was run out of the circus so fast I didn't have time to change from my tight rope walking outfit, didn't I?) Well, I just slid right across the ice, dragging the thistle stalks with me. The thistles got all knotted up in my hair, but my head plowed a path in front of me, protecting the outfit from damage. By the way, sequins make good brakes when sliding out of control on an icy surface. (I wonder if Michelle Kwan knows this trick? Maybe I should drop her a note and let her in on a good thing.) Anyhow, after we collect the pigs, the state police showed up and made us sweep up the mess the critters left all over the highway. In this effort, the work I did with the elephants in the circus served me in good stead. As I worked the push broom and Gus maneuvered the dustpan, we became aware of a sizzling sound coming from the bottom of the truck. As we crawled under the trailer we found the underside of the truck dissolving before our eyes! "What did you say you were carrying?" I asked Gus. "Grapefruit. Texas white grapefruit." he replied. I sniffed, laughed, and tasted the dripping liquid. "Just as I thought, the collision toppled the cartons. The grapefruits burst and the acidic juice is dissolving the truck floor." "What are we going to do? If it keeps dissolving at this rate, the my cargo will drop out crate by crate the whole length of I-55." I paused and thought. Then I turned to the pickup driver, who was still assessing the damage to his vehicle. "Can we borrow your pigs?" We loaded them into the semi, and let them eat their fill of the crushed and scattered fruit. They seemed to enjoy the mush, since they licked the floor clean. The damage halted, we plugged the holes with broken cartons and headed off on the road again. The rest of my trip was pretty uneventful, except for the incident in the Arby's with the three dwarves, a corkscrew, two trained poodles and a bag of chocolate chips. But you wouldn't be interested. Let's suffice it to say, I got home and my husband sure was glad to see me, though he stopped to help me untangle the thistles from my hair before he hugged me... But that's all beside the point. What I was gonna tell you was my quest to become the perfect, spoiled suburban housewife. Only I don't have time now; it will have to wait for another day. I have to go to the Chinese restaurant to pick up dinner.