-by Martini and Mikki

"OK, so I saw that movie last night..." "Which one?" "The one with the ring thingy." "And?" "I didn't get it." "What do you mean?" "I mean, there was this old guy, and this other old guy, and all these short guys, and Liv Tyler, and a lot of stabbing, and...I didn't get it. I mean, the stabbing was cool, but I didn't get it." "Oh, yeah, that movie. I saw it too, man." "What'd you think?" "I couldn't believe it. I went to the midnight showing, like, the first one ever? That theater was full of nerds. I mean, what gives?" "I dunno, man. Also, there was this bit when these guys talked in this weirdo language." "When I went there was this big argument in line while we were waiting to get in over whether or not elves have pointed ears..." "Is that what those were?" "I guess so." "I thought they were Vulcans."

"Yeah, and then they were like on this mountain and then they were in a cave and then they weren't and it was really confusing." "And Liv Tyler didn't even take off her shirt once in the whole movie. What a gyp." "And those guys were really short but they weren't even very funny or nothing. I was waiting for them to trip over something or maybe punch each other but they just talked about some stuff." "And what's with the round doors? Don't they have T-squares in Midgetville or wherever?" "And the fights...I mean, what the hell? Just stab the guy. Geez." "And the old guy had wrinkles in his wrinkles and they were smoking all this weed and the other fag guy was like 'Gary, dude, don't smoke so much weed, you'll become a midget too' but Gary or whatever his name was just laughed and did some more weed just to show that Elroy guy was what was what. But instead of just lying down he went and climbed a mountain, so what was with that?" "Hey, were you getting looks?" "Dunno. What kind of looks?" "I was getting all these looks, 'cuz I never read the books and I know there were people who got turned away from the box office who think that they're real live midget-men or whatever, and I'm taking up a perfectly good seat that by all rights should be theirs...well, I, for one, don't need that shit." "Not at that hour." "No way." "I saw some of those guys too, and one of them went like 'shh' and 'shut up, dude' whenever I asked a question from the guy next to me, but I guess he was too busy watching the movie because he just stared ahead and wouldn't answer me." "I know. Geez. What a bunch of killjoys." "Yeah." "I mean, you ask a simple question, like 'Who's that guy?' or 'Why did he do that again?' or 'Now, that ring thingy, that's important, right?' or 'Wow, where'd they get all those guys they made up out of the mud?' and you get your head chewed off. Jerks." "Wow. What jerks." "Yeah, and I'm all like, 'Back off there, King Arthur, or I'll bust a cap in your ass.'" "No doubt." "I mean, what the hell?" "Yeah. And when I figured out that the guy with the beard -- the guy in the tower who probably had like his own hairdresser or something -- was in James Bond I yelled out 'Look out, Mr. Bond, it's Scaramanga!' but only one guy laughed." "Betcha you yelled that real loud, right? At like some real tense moment or whatever?" "You betcha, man, 'cause it looked to me like he was up to no good when that other old guy was talking to him, and besides I was right so I yelled 'so there' when they started fighting, but nobody apologized or nothing." "I hear ya, man. People got no sense of quality humor anymore." "Yeah. None at all." "Geez." "Yeah. Geez. Then I fell asleep for a while after they were in the caves and when I woke up this big guy was asleep in a boat and nobody would tell me what happened to him, and these other dudes just watched him float away. Guess they didn't know how to swim." "Yeah, and some people were saying that some bits weren't in the book and I'm like 'there's a book?' and they're all like, giving me attitude for it....I mean, pardon the hell outa me if I don't read everything ever written or whatever." "Yeah. I asked this one guy how come he read a book 'cause there's a movie and all, and he went all red and said completely out of the blue that I'm an imbecile, and I was like 'WTF, man, I'm a Lutheran.'" "You'd think these people were obsessed or something." "You'd think." "Yeah." "I mean, Geez, and they like, all died at the end." "No they didn't." "Well, most of 'em did. Like that other movie." "What other movie?" "You know, the really famous one where they all die at the end." "Hamlet?" "No, not that." "Titanic?" "God, no. You know, that other one." "Reservoir Dogs?" "Close, but I don't think that's it. Aw, Geez, it's on the tip of my tongue..." "How To Make An American Quilt?" "That's it!" "Yeah, that was a good movie, man." "Yeah." "Bitchin' swordfights." "You said it."