"Dude, I saw that movie the other day."

"What movie?"

"You know, the sequel to the sequel to that movie that came out."

"Oh, so you didn't wait nine months to see it this time, then?"

"In your ear, wise guy. No, I didn't wait nine months to see it this time. Not after the abuse I took from you. You oughta be grateful, dude."

"Grateful? For what?"

"That thing was 19 hours long. And the theater was packed. Again."

"And this surprises you why?"

"Dude, it's the holiday season. Don't these people shop?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I even heard that some theaters re-ran the first two movies back-to-back before showing this one, you know, and people actually went to see them. Again. That's like 88 million billion trillion zillion hours of nerd-o-rama there."

"You're stalling, dude. What'd you think?"

"Well..."

"...Well what?"

"It was...that is...I mean..."

"You didn't get it, did you?"

"I didn't say that."

"You were thinking it."

"You don't know what I was thinking, so just cork it."

"Dude, who're you kidding? You say this every time. You didn't get the first one 'cause the theater was full of nerds and that distracted you. You didn't get the second one 'cause you were half in the bag during the movie. When exactly are you gonna get it?"

"You're gonna get it, you keep it up."

"Never mind that. What was the problem this time?"

"This was not the manliest movie in the world."

"What do you mean?"

"I went to see that other movie that came out, you know, the one with those guys on the ship?"

"Master and Commander?"

"You betcha. Now that was a manly movie. A manly movie about manly men doing manly things manfully. Not a chick in sight."

"This movie was pretty butch."

"This movie starts off with two guys fighting over a piece of jewelry."

"That's the ring thingy, you idiot."

"...That's the ring thingy?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Since when?"

"Since always."

"Get outa here."

"I take it the fact that it's called The Lord of the Rings didn't trip your clue alarm, then."

"Don't push it. Anyway, then they cut to those short dudes and that other really short dude, looks like Strom Thurmond, and then they cut again to those other other short dudes and they were smoking and hanging out with those trees, and then they fish that Magic 8-Ball of Doom out of the river or something..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And then they cut to Liv Tyler again, fully clothed, again, and she has that dream sequence about when she was a little girl and hanging out with her dad–"

"Todd Rundgren? He wasn't in the movie."

"Real funny, dude. And then it's about 45 minutes before any one of them has the common decency to stab somebody. It's like the damn Lifetime Channel."

"Did you at least remember who all those guys were this time?"

"Sort of. But Scaramanga wasn't in it, which really sucked, 'cause, you know, he's a great shot with that gun of his and that midget he hangs around with, the one from Fantasy Island, he's always funny."

"Agreed."

"I mean, that's how you use midgets. Not like these guys."

"Short equals funny."

"Exactly."

"Is that the entire reason you didn't get it?"

"No, there were others."

"Like what?"

"Well, like that big battle in the middle of the movie. I mean, it's not enough that they decide to hold the epic throw-down in a place that looks like one of Mad King Ludwig's summer homes crossed with the world's largest Olive Garden. Of course not. Not when they can cut away from the most exciting part of the fight to that chick who dresses up like a guy and brings one of them short dudes along like it's Take-Your-Daughter-and-Her-Midget-to-Battle Day. Then they expect you to believe that they're actually quick enough to fling pieces of the actual city over the wall at the attacking forces. And if that wasn't enough, with all the stabbing and flinging and the Oxygen Network subplot, they bring in elephants? Elephants? Where did they come from? Did someone hijack a freaking circus?"

"...You done?"

"No, I am NOT done. And then all the other guys show up, Polygon and all them, and Polygon's got the big honkin' sword that was broken but the pointy-eared dudes put back together for him..."

"What about it?"

"Well, basic metallurgy dictates that one cannot reforge a sword that's been broken and expect it to be as strong the second time around."

"Yeah dude, but it's like, special."

"Special?"

"You know, it's got pointy-eared-dude mojo in it or something."

"I'm gonna pointy-ear mojo you in a second."

"Dude, you're gettin' awful hostile...wait a sec. It's that blond dude, right? That's what's got you so worked up, isn't it?"

"You don't know the half of it, dude. This time was the last straw."

**sigh** "All right, now what'd he do?"

"First of all, he never gets dirty. EVER. Everyone else's covered in mud and sweat and blood and elephant bits, but noooooo, not Captain Incredible over there..."

"Uh-huh."

"...And then there's that bit where he jumps on one of the elephants, which I still don't know why they were in the movie, and single-handedly brings it down? Are you serious?"

"Like you said, dude. Captain Incredible."

"It's ridiculous. I mean, I know women – intelligent, mature women who are not as far as I know on any psychotropic medication whatsoever – who go all crazy over this guy."

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean panting, moony-eyed, fill-me-with-your-babies nutzo."

"Shameful."

"Shameful indeed. I mean, he's such a..."

"Pretty boy? Wuss? Preening narcissist?"

"Exactly. And at the end, where that short dude's in sick bay after he threw the ring thingy into the Lava Pit of Despair or whatever, and I'm thinking, well, finally..."

"Uh-huh."

"And everyone comes to visit and say hi, and Mr. Amazing comes swanking in dressed in that very tastefully brocaded tabard that perfectly accentuates his deep, ice-blue eyes and high cheekbones..."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I mean, could you dress any more girly?"

"...I think you might have some issues regarding that guy."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't think wearing a tastefully brocaded tabard automatically makes you a preening girly narcissistic pretty-boy wuss."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

"You do that."

"And then there's that other battle at the end, where everyone shows up at that other castle and Polygon and all those guys go up to the gate and knock on the door, and all I'm thinking is, if a cow comes over that wall, I am so outa here."

"I can see that."

"And then the ending didn't even make sense."

"How so?"

"You know where the short dude and the older short dude and that old guy get in the boat at the end?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, where the heck did they go?"

"They went to Elfland."

"Elfland?"

"Elfland."

"Where's that?"

"It's in the ocean."

"It's in the ocean."

"Yup."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's like heaven."

"...Like heaven."

"Yeah. It's like heaven, except with elves."

"Oh, shut the hell up."