According to a recent report by the Daily Telegraph, it appears that the Football Association, the United Kingdom's governing body of professional football (which will hereafter be referred to as "soccer," just to be difficult to our readership across the pond), has finally taken it upon itself to address one of the ugliest aspects of the national sport.

And no, they're not talking about 0-0 ties played in the freezing rain, inedible concessions, or the piss-drunk gang of yobs in the cheap seats attempting to uncomfortably insert a visiting Belgium into various orifices of the away fans.

The FA is about to take bloody drastic measures against a far more insidious facet of the game:

Mascot assaults.

Over the past year or so, several team mascots have been involved in on-field interference, lewd behavior, and misdemeanor battery.

The joke is, we're not kidding. Consider the following, erm, "incidents":

Incident #1: Cyril the Swan, the 9-foot-tall mascot of the Swansea City soccer club, is the worst of the lot, as he's got a rap sheet as long as...well, his elongated swan's neck, apparently. He's been cited for, among other exhibitions of savagery, inciting a brawl with Zampa the Lion of the Millwall team, wherein he tore of Zampa's head and booted it into the stands...

Incident #2: Desmond Dragon of the Rochdale team got into a punch-up with Freddie the Fox of the Halifax Town club, after Freddie pretended to lift his leg and answer nature's call on the Rochdale goalpost...

Incident #3: Recently, Robbie the Bobby (some wanker in a giant 19^th-century London policeman's suit), mascot of the Bury soccer team, was ejected from the field after he mooned opposing fans form Bristol and Stoke City, and traded blows with Bartleby the Bluebird of the Cardiff City team...

(If it's any consolation, I can't believe I'm writing this either.)

Basically, the noble and long-standing sport of soccer in the UK is in danger of being overrun by psychotic waterfowl, urinating mammals, and pants-dropping law enforcement. Unless the FA does something about it, of course, and by the looks of things, they're well on their way: