A Letter to the Readers of Grumble from the Queen of England Hello. Doubtless many readers of this fine Magazine may feel a trifle surprised at the notion of ourselves as one of its most loyal subscribers. They may regard the notion of one of the world's last remaining examples of a vestigial and irrelevant Monarchy having any truck with a product of such decidedly Plebeian Nature as a Thing quite beneath our Standards. Others might remark that the mere idea of the Occupant of arguably the most recognised Sinecure in the Modern World counting ourselves among the readers of a Publication that rivals those of our own country in Brazenness and overall Contemptibility appears hypocritical. Still others might feel themselves justified in wondering how a Ruler of our Intellect and Lineage could conceivably possess the necessary Skills in Basic Literacy, Technical Competence and Motor Coordination to locate and absorb the vast cornucopia of Profundities regularly encountered in this Journal. Suffice it to say that we have progressed beyond the time when our claim of Divine Appointment by God Almighty Himself to Reign allowed us to hack people's heads Straight Off for espousing such Statements, and that we have been led to understand and accept that not every member of the global Internet Community exhibits the late and often lamented Virtue of Holding One's Tongue In The Presence Of Opinions Spoken By One's Natural Superiors. For this, we forgive. We wish to state, however, that we have become not a little distressed over the Opinions and Content that have recently proliferated in the pages of this particular Circular. Specifically, we wish to take Extreme Offence at the recent Composition of the Editor of this normally excellent Periodical about his recent medical examination. While we are aware that there are individuals beneath Ourselves to whom Age, Physical Decline and General Homeliness have consigned such Lavatorial Indelicacies, and while we are not unfamiliar with the evolution of Modern Journalism to the point where every little Pruriency has somehow become legitimate subject matter for dissemination to the General Public, and while we are further aware of the possible charges of Sanctimoniousness that shall arise given the complete and utter historical Inability of our own Ex-Daughters-In-Law to keep their Fat and Scabrous Behinds off the Front Pages of most if not all of the daily Newspapers in our own Kingdom to the point where one of them needs to eat the Front Bumper of a Motorcar while in the company of her Nineteenth or Twentieth Paramour that month alone to provide us with A Moment's Peace, we still feel our Royal Obligation to Speak Out against the total Disregard of this Gazette toward its readers' Sensibilities manifested in the Printing of such a Feature. We feel that the Details of the Article In Question signify the beginning of a rather unfortunate Direction being undertaken by the producers of this Magazine. While we are not ourselves devoid of a Sense of Humor and appreciate the Fact that there are those Individuals out there who would find such a subject Risible, we believe that the time has come to protest the obvious Urological Turn this Publication has taken. Although we extend Our Most Gracious and Sincere Sympathies to the Author and Editor of this Magazine in view of his rather Unseemly Physical Malady and remain grateful that he survived the Rather Invasive Procedure hopefully without Any Further Incident, we cannot but stress strongly enough our Desire for the Staff of this Monthly Review to refrain from Similar Articles in the Future. We shudder outright at the thought of those authors of the more Female Persuasion such as Crack or Toots producing work along similar lines, as their rather protracted experiences with Automobiles and Family Vacations respectively have given us enough Pause that any Missive from either of them discussing what is generally known in Polite Circles as Feminine Issues would surely spell the End Of Civilization As We Know It and inevitable lead to Chaos, Destruction, and Staggeringly Bad Poll Numbers all around. Yet as we make known our Personal Disapproval and confer our Royal Censure upon this rather silly Article, let it not in any way be construed that we rescind our overall Unflinching Support and Royal Beneficence toward this Magazine. Considering that we ourselves suffer daily from a Royal Family in general Shambles and Maladjustment, a Press dedicated to Sensationalism, Rumour and Egregious Displays of Various Naughty Parts of the Female Anatomy, and a Parliament disproportionately controlled by Layabouts, Spendthrifts and Godless Communists, our thanks are due to the Editor and Staff of Grumble for allowing us to ignore the incontrovertible Fact that Britain is heading straight down the Toilet, by focusing more on the sorts of Things that are apparently heading straight down the Editor's.
Elizabeth R.,
|
