(An eyebrow arches.)

<click>

(The other eyebrow arches.)

<click> <click> <click>

(Both eyes roll in annoyance.)

Well, that only shows how much you know. It's far more important than that.

I am, in point of fact, doing what many believe to be the most important thing a human being can do for himself or herself.

I am getting religion.

Real religion. Updated, twenty-first century, fiber-optically connected religion. None of your musty, millennia-old, pantywaist faiths for this cyberscribe. I, after all, am a hard-working, jet-setting, cutting-edge Grumble columnist; I can't be taking time off from avoiding the editorial board of this bandwidth-sucking broadsheet to be wasting time with prophets and churches and scriptures and tithes and jihad and omerta and all that.

I need a faith that will adapt to the instantaneous pace of this technologically advanced world. I need a faith that will go anywhere, do anything, and get me income tax write-offs with a minimal amount of effort. Where attendance at services and spiritual guidance are only a click away. Where the needs of a person's inner being are fulfilled by the bounty of the digital age.

Yea and verily, brethren and sistren, I have seen the light, and it doth shine forth as unto a beacon of hope from my flat-panel LCD screen.

Wicca.

More correctly, Born-Again Wicca.

Online.

For I have been to the mountain, brethren and sistren. I sayeth unto thee that I have read the Disclaimer on the sacred Website, and claspeth the words to my bosom, the Disclaimer that has vouchsafed unto me thusly: "You may feel that the name created for you does not match your "perceived" gender. This is not our problem. This is an issue for you to take up with your gods and/or goddesses. The Creator is always right..." I have pushéd the most efficacious Button, and witnessed unto the special combination of magick and HTML that was triggered. I have had vested unto me my new Name...

...and believe that I need to register a serious and vociferous complaint with my god and/or goddess. For I doth believeth that my new Name is damned silly.

And what else could it be? Finding a spiritual anchor in this day and age is already an onerous task for many people. It does not ease the burden of any questioning soul to find out that his or her new spiritual identity goes by the name Their Grace Lavender Limp-Puppy. Or Brother Shining Prancing-Blade. Or even Lady Plastic Laughing-Pine. And especially not Hampster Lavender-Knob.

There are, after all, standards to be upheld. Consider the following few examples from some of the more, erm, established religions:

• Jesus did not knock Saul of Tarsus clear off his horse and onto his ass on the road to Damascus for him to be baptized Lord Dark Sticky-Heathen.
• The great statement of faith in Islam is not "There is no god but Allah, and Holy-Father Phoenix Procreating-Butterfly is his prophet."
• Jacob did not wrestle with the angel and get renamed something like Honored-Elder Plastic Mischief-Piglet. (Good thing, too, otherwise that'd be the name of the modern Jewish state.)²
• Siddharta Gautama did not achieve enlightenment through wholesale denial of the things of this world to be referred to as Lady Stump Melodramatic-Path.

These appellations can only provide endless anguish for those saddled with them. Such as at the DMV. Or on a marriage certificate. Or a bank check. Moreover, the creator of this little Jonestown-with-a-URL is called "Reverend Gwynarion Starseeker." Loopy in its own right, to be sure, but one gets the suspicious feeling that he, she, or it didn't come upon this name by firing up the ol' DSL line. One cannot help but envision the sight of some Martin Luther wannabe posting his own version of the 95 Theses to the front door of this little BBS. You can hear the complaints now...

"How come the founder of this religion gets a name like that and all us followers get names like Honoured-Elder Standing Sharp-Albatross, Their Grace Fertile Probing-Parsley, and Lord Inane Finger-Fox?"

"Who in their right minds is going to make a pilgrimage to the online shrine of Lady Pussywillow Giant-Cricket, Reverend Loon Dramatic-Rabbit, or Flaming Bearded-Weasel?"

It's frightening, is what it is. And, again, it's better for everyone concerned that this sort of thing doesn't go on in other religions. The Song of Songs in the Old Testament, to take one example, is, to put it politely, a bit...erm, randy, but at least is isn't full of moist ferrets, melodramatic monkeys, or nervous fruit-swans (whatever the hell those are). To take another example, one cannot imagine the 12 Apostles being as successful in their preaching with names like Lord Flaming Sneezing-Monkey, Lord Petal Ethereal-Mackerel, or Their Wisdom Stump Loving-Beater.

Of course, I could be mistaken. All the great religions started out with only a handful of followers. This could be the next big thing. It may well behoove you to see whether this is the way, the shining path, the road to Valhalla.

You may do so at http://www.elessacar.com/name.html.

Or you can just push the button and get something vaguely rude staring you in the face.

(Much like most other web pages, but we're not here to judge. You got a problem, go talk to the goddess.)

---

1. It sure as hell has the same effects.

2. Which would look unbelievably silly on the ambassador's name plate at the UN. And no one deserves that kind of grief.

Author's special thanks to all the oft-maligned guys and gals from Eyrie who contributed to the great steaming public disgrace you've just read.