"Mr. Dictionary has failed us yet again."
-- Keith Olbermann, on countless occasions

Spaz.

Prudence dictates that beginning an article with that word might not turn out to be the most politic thing to do, if for no other reason than the response it will doubtless provoke. Whereas using that word used to lead to a punch in the snout, in this day and age it more often than not leads to the question, "Does that have a parallel or USB port?"

In point of fact, the word in question was found in the following exchange in an article on the ESPN.com website, penned by the singular columnist Ray Ratto:

"Hi, there, fella. I'm Rick Sutcliffe from 'Baseball Tonight.'"

"You used to be a Cub. My dad told me to watch out for ex-Cubs. He says it could turn me into some kind of spaz."

The relative veracity of the above statement notwithstanding, the larger impact of the above citation is clear. The word "spaz," heretofore occupying one of the more arcane corners of the national vocabulary for quite some time, has been taken out of the box on the top shelf of the coat closet and placed proudly on the lexicological dining room table again. And in our estimation, it is an almost perfect choice in context.¹

Time was, when an average person, having had a sudden attack of below-average intelligence that resulted in him acting like an above-average ass, could look forward to being insulted with creativity and gusto. How many times growing up did we, as a generation, end up on the receiving end of a carefully-worded, polysyllabic deluge of invective that was designed not only to call to attention our appalling lack of common sense, but also to provide entertainment for all of those within earshot through the vividness of its imagery and the euphony of its expression? Now, regrettably, it's just a lot of references to animal excrement and the hackneyed proverbial challenge to auto-amorousness that still remains an anatomical impossibility for the larger public to accomplish.²

This is not to say that this variety of insult is never warranted, only that it seems to be the only form of insult that is ever warranted in this day and age. What is needed, we submit, is a simple reacquaintance with some of the underemployed words in the language, those words that, utilized properly and daringly, can serve to reinvigorate the practice altogether.

The initial task at hand, thus, would be to compile a short list of useful words and phrases in this regard. Herewith, a representative sample:

Getting these down? Good. Here are some more.

Thus, having gleaned a number of robust terms from the nearest OED, we may now begin to revive our craft. Notice the practice samples below:

"Sweet galloping kumquats, Hanrahan, how could you be so stupid, you great steaming pile of fustian gimcrackery?!"

"Boy, I don't know what your kind gets up to in Sheboygan or wherever the hell it is that you come from, but if you don't straighten up and fly right tout de suite, I swear I'll poleax your pipcock valve like there's no tomorrow, you pants-wearing, Winnebago-driving fugitive from an ipecac binge."

There. Doesn't it feel much better to let it out like that? Now go forth, friend, and transform the national paradigm of bile and calumny.

Ya great big fungible spaz.