Every time I embark on something new, I become suddenly more aware of anyone in the same position. When I started a new job, I noticed the guy on the subway who was poring over his resume, and the woman in the office building lobby frantically smoothing the tell-tale hanging-for-six-months-without-use wrinkles from her pencil skirt. When I just bought a house, every single "For Sale" sign in the world seemed as if it were made of neon. And now I just became a parent, so I can't help but study each and every new parent I see.

But I think the tendency to focus on the issues that loom large in your own world is pretty standard. Perhaps less standard and more Kumquatian is to give in to your basest instincts and form gross generalizations. And then share them with the world. Or at least that elite piece of the world that reads Grumble.

Then again, I consider this article a public service. Now all of you child-free but potentially child-bearing readers can understand where you will fit into the parenting world when the time comes. If you are child-free with plans to remain that way, at least you gain a bit of insight into those crazy procreators around you. If you already have kids, you probably already know all of this. But at least you can read it, enjoy some multisyllabic words, and feel superior for having more knowledge than the newbie parent who wrote it.

So here you go: how to pigeonhole a new parent upon first sight. All you need to do is see what version of child carrier they've chosen to use.

The Carseat Toter

Although a rare breed in walking-friendly cities, the Carseat Toter is very common in all other environments. She is known for her practical approach to life, and in many cases her inability to allow herself downtime. In addition to the infant-occupied large plastic carrier on their arms, Carseat Toters often come with nondescript black or brown bags attached to their shoulders. One arm is significantly stronger than the other, but Carseat Toters may be seen using the less-dominant arm or a stroller aid. She is probably wearing sneakers or comfortable loafers. Unlike most other carrier-parents, Carseat Toters have a significant number (though still a minority) of male members.

The Babe Slinger

The Babe Slinger's baby is found swaddled in a cloth and slung around its mother's torso. The Babe Slinger herself is a strong believer in breastfeeding and organic foods. If she is carrying a bag, it is likely to be made of natural materials . . . or something beaded. Others may call her "granola" or "hippie," but she is proud of her decision to nurture her child's maternal bond. She is probably wearing loose clothing and sandals. Babe Slingers are known for offering well-intentioned (but not necessarily welcome) advice to non-Babe Slinger parents. Never male.

The Hip Hugger

The Hip Hugger carries her child without additional tools. While all other carriers will sometimes fit in this category, a small number of carriers are majority Hip Hugger. A rarity in the carrier-parent world, the Hip Hugger is often male. The male and female of the Hip Hugger class differ widely. The most common shared trait is an ability to be spontaneous (and thus somewhat disorganized). The male will often show unsustained interest in the infant, usually interrupted by sports or gadgets. When watched by females (of any class, including non-parental), he will proudly display the infant and try to showcase his comfort with said infant. The few female Hip Huggers have a strong sense of maternal responsibility and (generally) wide hips. Babe Slingers of both sexes often forget to bring an additional bag. If they do bring a bag, it may be of any style -- but it is likely to be open at the zipper. Clothing is likely to be clean but stained.

The Bjorn Again

The Bjorn Again, identifiable by the infants looking out from front-carriers on the parents' torsos, believe that an active life is a good life. Like the Hip Hugger, other parents may at times seem to fall into this category, but are in actuality just using the carrier method briefly. However, the true Bjorn Again (far more in number than the true Hip Huggers) will rely heavily on the front carrier. While they may also carry a backpack for extra items, large pockets may be in use instead. The Bjorn Again are also known for strong muscles, adventuresome spirits, and a fondness for nuts. Expect sturdy shoes and breathable clothing.

The Bugaboo Bringer

Bugaboo Bringers have high-tech carriers, sometimes colorful and often with pneumatic wheels, in which they push their infants. Novice carrier-spotters may be confused at first, as these carriers can change their configuration and may even masquerade briefly as an aid to a Carseat Toter. While mostly found in cities, Bugaboo Bringers exist in suburbs as well. Expect to see a designer bag (tendency toward Kate Spade) on the Bugaboo Bringer's arm or in the carrier. Bugaboo Bringers value aesthetics, reliable childcare during work hours, and the ability to navigate sidewalks without curbs. The Bringer will likely be dressed primarily in black with heeled shoes.