Grumble magazine

As a pizza delivery guy, I make my living from tips. The trick is to not only get the tips, but get tips as large as possible, and so, like any other kind of sales job, you have to use a little psychology. You have to focus on making the customer like you, and never think about the money. Just be nice, and figure out what’s important to them, then use that to your advantage.

Different tactics work for different people. For many women, you can flirt with them and watch your tip inflate. That works best for those in their 30s and 40s, because they’re losing their looks and so appreciate the effort. Women in their 20s still have plenty of attention and so don’t care about it from the Pizza Guy, while those in their 50s have already given up the fight.

For the active redneck, you can show an interest in his new $18,000 truck – which is parked outside his $17,000 trailer – or perhaps in the fishing trip he just came home from, complete with the story of how he caught a three-foot catfish. For the couch potato, talk about the game. “Who’s winning? How’d the quarterback do?” And for the mothers out there, show an interest in their kids; really fawn over them. When the little girl hands you a $20 bill with her grubby paws, smile and say, “Oh, she’s so cute!” Then take the money and tell the beaming mother, “That’s so sweet.” It’s not really, but you let them keep their delusions until you get the cash.

There are always the chronic non-tippers, who never tip no matter what you do, or how nice you are. When you’ve delivered to them several times, and you know they’ll never tip, stop being nice; it only encourages them to call again.

Then there are those in the middle, those who would tip, and know they should, but for some reason won’t. Those are difficult customers, and that’s when psychological skill pays off.

I once delivered to a man who was about forty years old, unshaven, glassy-eyed. He came to the door with a stupid grin.

“How’s it going, man?” he asked, as a wave of marijuana smoke rolled past. I immediately recognized the smell, and I smiled. Dope smokers usually tip well. “What’s it gonna cost me?” he asked. He moved slow and laughed as to himself as he stood there, almost too high to know what he was doing. I told him the price, he paid me, and I handed him the pizzas. “Whoa, those’re warm, man.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, and began to dig into my bank bag. I owed him a little over three dollars. I handed him the bills, then scrounged in my bag for the change, when he waved at me.

“You can keep the rest, man,” he said. “I’d give you more, but this has got to last me ’til Monday. But hey, I’ll catch you next time around, alright?”

“Sure, no problem,” I said, already thinking about what to do. I didn’t want to walk away with a tip, but this seemed hopeless, until I remembered: Hey, he’s a dope smoker! So I smiled and said, “Hey man, I like that incense.”

The man looked over his shoulder, then back to me with that dumb grin. “Yeah, good stuff, huh?”

“Yeah,” I said, “weirdest smelling incense, though. You know, at first, I almost thought it was dope.” We both laughed at that, and as we did, I put out my hand, palm up, just like a bellboy.

Then the man, still glassy-eyed, looked down at my hand, then up again. I was afraid he might have lost the subtlety in the statement, so I added, “Of course, dope’s illegal, so I’m sure you’re not smoking that.” I left my hand out, and waited. Slowly, the man reached out and placed a single dollar on my palm. He leaned so far forward I thought he’d fall over, but he managed to stay up. I placed my thumb over the bill, then twitched my fingers in a motion meant to say, “More.”

“Aw, man, that’s all I got ’til Monday.”

I said nothing, and waited. Perhaps he hoped I’d say something, but I didn’t, and a second bill joined the first.

I snapped my fingers shut and smiled at the man, then put the money in my bag. “Thank you, sir, have a nice night.”

He looked at me for a long moment, then said, “Yeah, yeah, you son of a–” and he closed the door shut before I heard the rest.

But that was it. By simply being friendly, I encouraged a customer to not only tip me, but tip me more than he originally intended. As I said before, figure out what the customers want, what’s important to them, and use that to your advantage. It’s all about psychology.