Fajitas brands himself a geek in...

Obi Wan Kenobi (old) vs. Qui-Gon Jinn Both wise old mentors. Both played by actors far too good to be doing shlock sci-fi. Both get themselves killed by Dark Lords of the Sith. Qui-Gon definitely wins points for meditating in the face of danger, but ultimately loses points for getting thumped on the head and impaled. Obi Wan at least lets Vader kill him. Winner: Obi Wan Kenobi   Luke Skywalker vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (young) The young, hotshot heroes, learning the ways of the Force from their mentors, who, before their eyes, get cut down by a Dark Lord of the Sith. So who beats who in a fight? Easy. Luke, upon seeing his mentor get cut down by Darth Vader, has three movies to avenge him. In the first movie, he does so by shouting "No", shooting the doors, and running away. In the second, he seeks revenge by allowing Vader to give him a sound thrashing. And finally, in the third, he shows Vader who's boss by "redeeming" him. Pah. Obi Wan wastes no time. Darth Maul impales his master, Obi Wan promptly chops him in half. One movie. No waiting. (Perhaps the only thing about Episode I that requires no waiting.) Winner: Obi Wan Kenobi   Princess Leia vs. Queen Amidala The battle of the token chicks. This one's a tough call. Amidala certainly takes out more bad guys in her first movie than Leia did in hers. But a contest like this isn't necessarily just about physical prowess. In the political arena, I think the answer becomes clear. Lets face it-- Leia's not the one who inadvertently puts the Emperor in charge of the Galaxy. Leia may not get too far in the political arena (Leia: I am a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan. Vader: Yeah, like I care. Take her away!), but at least she did no harm. And really, shouldn't that be the first rule? Winner: Princess Leia (We would never favor Leia just 'cause she bares it all in a titanium bikini. Honest.)

Han Solo vs. Anakin Skywalker Okay, the first question you ask is whether this is a legitimate match up, or if Fajitas is just running out of characters. I claim it's legit. Think about it. Both are hotshot pilots. Both have little or no emotional maturity. And, in the end, they're both gonna end up with the girl. Q.E.D. As for the winner? Like you have to ask. Han has never had any patience for whiny, snot-nosed kids. Why should he have patience with their fathers? Han'd whomp the stuffing out of Anakin and the midichlorians he rode in on. Winner: Han Solo   Chewbacca vs. Jar Jar Binks Who wins the battle between the resident non-human, non-droid characters? I'm afraid this one's going to be a bit of an upset. Could Chewie rip Jar Jar's arms out of their sockets? Sure. Would he? Nope. Chewie, as appalled by Jar Jar as the rest of us, would stare in open-mouthed horror, while Jar Jar, in response, would trip, fall on his ass, and accidentally shoot Chewie right between the eyes. It's sad, but we live in a harsh galaxy. Winner: Jar Jar Binks   Darth Vader vs. Darth Maul Dark Lord of the Sith versus Dark Lord of the Sith. How do we call this? Unencumbered by that bulky costume or the asthmatic problems, Darth Maul has definitely got moves which Vader only dreams of. On the other hand, we're talking about Darth Vader. Y'know, the ultimate evil in the universe? How can we take the victory away from him? Also, Vader doesn't get bisected. Winner: Darth Vader

Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru vs. Shmi Skywalker Now, don't get me wrong. Both of these contenders deserve kudos. They had to raise children without said child's natural father, and that's an impressive feat. Besides which, raising a young aspiring Jedi can't possibly be an easy task. (Can you imagine trying to baby-proof a house for Jedi babies? I mean, bad enough that they'd be able to jump over any baby gate, but you can't ever put things out of reach.) Nonetheless, were waging a battle royale here, and somebody's gotta go. It's an easy call. Owen & Beru get themselves killed by Stormtroopers, who generally can't hit the broad side of a barn. Shmi, on the other hand, successfully raised Darth Vader through his Terrible Twos. You do the math. Winner: Shmi Skywalker   C-3PO (covered) vs. C-3PO (parts showing) Covered 3PO helps to save the galaxy. Uncovered 3PO has to stay home with Mommy. Winner: C-3PO (covered)   Emperor Palpatine vs. Senator Palpatine Some people just don't age gracefully. The key word here is subtlety. Compare the insidious nature of the Senator, who cleverly manipulates events behind the scenes such that he seizes control of the Galactic Senate right under the Good Guys' noses and then gets himself invited to their victory celebration, with that of the Emperor, whose idea of subtlety is to build the Death Star. Twice. For sheer firepower, yeah, the Emperor wins. But the Senator tricks the Good Guys into working for him, and, as I recall, the Good Guys are the ones who blew up the Death Star. Twice. Never do your own dirty work. Winner: Senator Palpatine

Stormtroopers vs. Battle Droids What evil organization intent on galactic domination would be complete without its army of cannon fodder? "Ha!" you say. "What kind of fight would this be? Neither side would ever hit the other." While it's true that they're both lousy shots, it should be noted that while Stormtroopers always missed, Battle Droids were always shooting at things that were shielded, either by lightsaber weilding Jedi or by force fields. Thus, unlike Stormtroopers, Battle Droids can hit the broad side of a barn. It's just that the barn is armored. "Now wait a minute," you say. "How bout the fact that you can shut down a whole army of Battle Droids all at once?" Me, I figure that's an easy problem. I'm sure they can fix it in software. Besides, which army got routed by teddy bears? I rest my case. Winner: Battle Droids   Ewoks vs. Gunguns Now here's a challenge. Let's do a side-by-side comparison. Gunguns Ewoks Weapons Blue Marbles Sticks and stones1 Language Totally incomprehensible Totally incomprehensible Closing Celebration Lots of confetti Lots of "yub-yubs" Clearly, nobody wins in this fight. Winner: None 1. No doubt leading to the old Battle Droid aphorism "Sticks and Stones can't break my bones, but big blue balls can hurt me." Best not to think too hard about that.   Star Destoyer vs. Trade Federation Battleship Federation ships may look pretty funky, but at least Star Destroyers remember to close their hangers to enemy ships. Winner: Star Destroyer

Speeder Bikes vs. Pod Racers The drag race of the century! Pod racers are clearly much more dangerous, having far more moving parts that can break. But hey, they're space chariots. Ever since Ben-Hur, there's been a great tradition of chariot races. Name me one enduring movie that involves dirt-bike racing. Winner: Pod Racers  Final tally:     Original Trilogy    6        Episode I 6        Ties 1    Voila. There we have it. The Original Trilogy may be better. Episode I may be grander. But, when you get 'em both in the ring, it all evens out.