Where does one begin to enumerate the number of offensive things about "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?", a concept which espouses not a single positive value that we can think of. Well, maybe string bikinis, which, hey, we're all for. But even the Miss America pageant, that well-known bastion of sexual equanimity that we all worship annually on our screens, has rules forbidding string bikinis. You know what this means, of course. It means that what some have long considered the ultimate event in the evolution of television programming has finally occurred. Someone has finally sunk to depths the Miss America pageant feels are too objectifying.

From the moment we first saw the ad for "Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?", we immediately recognized it for what it was -- a great opportunity not only for us to rag on the pointless, disgusting state of morality in America today, but also to keep abreast (no pun intended) of the latest fashions in wedding dresses and string bikinis (See our feature story in the premiere issue of "Rumpled", Grumble's new fashion offshoot, now available in your supermarket check-out line). We knew that we would have to write a Grumble article exposing this vile tripe for what it was.

Unfortunately for us, there were two downsides to this plan.

1. Every other journal on the face of the planet has already ranted about what vile tripe the program was.
2. In order to write about it, journalistic integrity sort of demanded that we had to, you know, watch it first.

But despite being scooped by the competition (curse you, Peter Jennings) and despite the near-overwhelming temptation to please God change the channel, we boldly persevered, sacrificing those precious two hours of our lives that we can never, ever have back. And in the end, what was it for? We're not quite sure. But it left us with a lot of nagging questions.

So, herein, trying to make sense of the senseless, we present said questions:

Who Wants To Watch Paint Dry?

Okay. We admit it. We did, in fact, watch the program. This might tempt you to disparage, curse, or deride us for actually being among the shameless herd. Trust us when we say that no amount of chastisement can possibly be as much of a punishment as actually sitting through the show.

It just wasn't good television. It was downright boring. It made the Academy Award Interpretive Dance Numbers look like "Die Hard". "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" is appalling, but at least you can sit there and stare at it. This, we just wanted to be somewhere else. We felt like we should be out shoveling snow or building low-income housing units or beating each other senseless with a beach ball. Y'know. Doing something productive.

Who Wants to Nitpick on Semantics?

What's up with the word "Multi"? Are regular old millionaires no longer enough to keep our interest? You'd think that no one in their right mind would compete to marry someone who's just a millionaire. But, oh, if he's got multiple millions, well, that's worth debasing oneself for.

Of course, it turns out the guy's only worth about two million anyway, which, technically, doesn't really qualify him as a "multi-millionaire". But I guess referring to him as a "bi-millionaire" gives the wrong impression.

Who Wants To Be Somewhere Else?

Host Jay Thomas: "Are you ready to watch your son marry a complete stranger on national television?"

Millionaire's Mom: "I think it's gonna be an interesting evening"

Who Wants To Conform to the Stereotype?

Of the 50 original contestants, 18 were blond (or, at least, appeared to be blond). Four were under 21. None were what you'd call "zaftig".

Who Wants To Be "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"?

The 10 semi-finalists were "randomly" asked personality-based questions, on topics such as "honesty", "romance", "careers", etc. The sorts of things one might reasonably want to know about one's soon-to-be-spouse. Of course, the questions were multiple choice. MULITPLE CHOICE. What is this fascination with multiple choice questions? Jeopardy isn't a multiple-choice show. Neither, we might add, is Wheel of Fortune, which is about as brainless an exercise as filing your nails, or staring at the ceiling.

(For the record, by this point in the program, Fajitas was staring at the ceiling, and Fish was filing his nails. We're not making this up.)

Curiously, pretty much every question seemed to have a "correct" answer, in the sense of it being the only socially acceptable/conscious answer. Even more curiously, this answer almost always seemed to be "A". Fajitas notes that if he hadn't applied that same strategy to his SATs, he might not be where he is today. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

Who Wants To Learn To Be Concise?

Host Jay Thomas: "Just be yourself. I'd like you to speak from your heart. You have 30 seconds to answer."

Who Wants To Marry A Hypocrite?

Let's say you know nothing about a guy except that he's rich. Nothing. What might you say if someone asked why you wanted to marry him? Michelle Myers, a finalist, answered as follows:

"Well, I think a lot of emphasis has been placed on the monetary values here and I think that kind of supercedes the fact that we're all just people and we're all just looking for meaningful relationships, so being a committed person, that would be my goal."

Really.

Who Wants To Look On The Bright Side?

To some extent, you really do have to respect the honesty involved, the complete absence of pretense. Millionaires must often worry about whether or not they're being married only for their money. And beautiful women must often worry about whether or not they're being married only for their bodies.

Well, these two don't have to worry.

Who Wants To Marry a Raging Psychopath?

No reality-based show on Fox would be complete without violence.

Mere days after the airing of the program, a Website (scooped again!) revealed that Mr. Multi-Millionaire had a restraining order filed against him for threatening his ex-fiancée. This, perhaps, explains his current desire for a 15-second engagement.

Who Wants to Get an Annulment?

As of this writing (Lord, how quickly this story updates) the winner, a Ms. Darva Conger, has announced that she will file for an annulment. Tragic how quickly true love spoils.

Who Wants to Know the Real Punchline?

When all is said and done, the true winner in this is, believe it or not, the institution of marriage. Every pundit in America declared this to be a sham, teaching the wrong lessons, bemoaning what society has become. But, in the end dear readers, their "marriage" didn't last two weeks.

Fox claimed the show would culminate in a "real, legal" marriage. They were half right.

Who Wants to Marry Fajitas?

So, we got to thinking. Fajitas is an eligible bachelor. He's not really a multi-millionaire, either. And he's never had a restraining order filed against him. So, as far as we're concerned, that puts him one up on the guy Fox had.

So, hey, eligible bachelorettes, read on...