Those of you who have ever seen a movie with me know that I like to talk about movies. I often talk incessantly about movies. I often talk loudly about movies. I often talk out of my a** about movies.

The spate of big franchise sequels and hard-core geek movies that have been out in the last year or so have truly inspired me to talk. The problem is that, with a few exceptions, these movies have been bad. Really bad. So bad that I am no longer content with just talking to my friends (who are sick of hearing about it anyway). Yes, I now feel the need to take my complaints (and praise) right to the source.

So film-makers, if you're reading Grumble, here are five things I want to say to...

...The Harry Potter Franchise

• If your CG characters look like they're hand-drawn, you're doing it wrong.
• If I forget a character exists when he's not on screen, you're doing it wrong.
• If you slavishly re-create the events of a book but ignore their emotional impact on the characters, you're doing it wrong.
• If your movie doesn't show me anything that wasn't cooler in my own head, you're doing it wrong.
• You're doing it wrong.

...The James Bond Franchise

• Everyone liked Sean Connery. Nobody liked Roger Moore. Dark is good. Campy is not.
• If a villain has a gimmick (e.g. he doesn't dream, he can't feel pain, he decapitates people with his hat, etc), it should, at some point, be plot relevant.
• There is nothing that Denise Richards can do that I wouldn't rather watch Sophie Marceau do.
• Stunts must look real. There is no thrill in watching Pierce Brosnan in front of a blue-screen.
• Halle Berry looks great in a bikini.

...The Star Trek (Movie) Franchise

• Nobody liked Voyager. We are not interested in Voyager characters making cameos.
• There are 178 episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. In almost none of them does Picard carry a phaser rifle. Stop turning him into Rambo.
• More people might see your movies if they actually liked your TV shows. It would also help if they didn't open against Lord of the Rings.
• You will never be better than Star Trek II. Please stop trying.
• Halle Berry looks great in a bikini.

...The Star Wars Franchise

• You have made it difficult for me to limit myself to saying five things.
• You have made it difficult for me to limit myself to saying them without obscenities.
• You have made it difficult for me to limit myself to saying them, rather than shouting them.
• See? I'm so pissed off, I've already squandered my first three!
• Carrie Fisher looked great in a bikini.

...The Matrix Franchise

• >rubs eyes< Huh? What? Huh?
• I do not need more than sixty seconds of orgiastic dancing in my movie, tops.
• The Matrix Revolutions is a stupid title. Really stupid. Like Batman Forever stupid.
• Scenes loaded down with pseudo-philosophical crap are far less interesting than the simple statement: "There is no spoon."
• After a certain point, adding more of the same actor to a scene does not actually increase the excitement. No, not even when it's Hugo Weaving.

...The Terminator Franchise

• No one needed T-3. No one wanted T-3.
• There is more emotional content in the opening credits of T-2 than in the entirety of T-3.
• "Talk to the hand"? You gotta give me more than Arnold spouting wanna-be catch phrases. I've got a gubernatorial campaign to give me that.
• T-3 might have the ballsiest ending I've ever seen in a Hollywood movie. That makes up for some of its sins. Not all, but some.
• Robert Patrick could so kick that chick's ass.

...The Lord of the Rings Franchise

• Thank you for Gollum.
• I know you keep saying that Elijah Woods's eyes are really that color, but I still don't believe you.
• Boromir is a character I never liked in the books. His death scene in the movie brings tears to my eyes.
• Don't stop. There's still The Hobbit and The Silmarillion.
• There are also the Harry Potter, James Bond, Star Trek, Star Wars, Matrix, and Terminator franchises.