Now, all of us respect Fish's journalistic integrity. It's what brought us all to this magazine, some of us passing up far more lucrative opportunities to be a part of Team Grumble. Fish is the glue that holds us all together, the strong nuclear force to our protons. An attack on him is an attack on us. And while Fish may be capable of simply shrugging it off, the rest of us can't take it so lightly.

So we, the Grumble Staff, have a few words to say to Her Royal Pain-in-the-Ass Majesty:

Oy! voices his complete and utter outrage. "Bugger H.R.M. and her sodding family jewels!" he declared loudly, pounding on his desk. "If the limey blueblood can't enjoy a good read about our editor's privates, then I'd be more than happy to convert the video of my 1994 colonoscopy to RealAudio streaming video. I'll even add the '1812 Overture' as the soundtrack at no extra charge."

Toots also threatens to respond in kind. "I must insist that anything that stridently insists that I should not write anything about female anatomy is vaguely reminiscent of a dare, and may be taken as such." (It's worth noting she said this with a faraway smile, and then pranced away to her keyboard with a glint in her eye that made every male and half the females in the office blanch.)

Quartz, when last seen, was willing to take things even farther. "Just give me the company credit card, fatigues, and a three-day head start. I'll take care of this 'Queen of England' problem." (Note to the British Secret Service: Quartz has not been seen around the office since Tuesday, and has been formally disavowed by Fish. Also, the company credit card only has a $100 limit.)

While some staff members reacted emotionally, The Big Jew took the rational approach. He alone among our fearless staff backs up his opinions with valuable statistics. He notes that "a recent inquiry into our database of subscribers suggests that 71% of our readers recognize the existence of Fish's innards, while only 14% care about the Queen of England." He further notes that "Fish makes a good jambalaya. And when a man can do that, he can say anything, queens be damned." And he cites the well-documented affects of urological blackouts on other publications. "Without Fish's right to express himself through urology," he concludes, "Grumble would fall into the mists of time with other trivial forms of news like Newsweek, The Washington Post and the Blatchford Bugle."

Elfpants, as usual, sums up the general feeling around the office better than anyone. "Dude, Phish's last album was great, man. I dunno why the Queen is being so harsh on them. I mean, it's been a long time since Bohemian Rhapsody and all, and she should just lighten up and let the new groove in. Besides, like, she did the theme for that Flash Gordon movie that really sucked, so I don't see where she gets off being so high and mighty and stuff."

And as for Fajitas... Well, Fajitas would just like to point out to the Queen that here in America we have a little thing called the First Amendment. It guarantees rights of freedom of speech, religion, assembly, and the press. My take on this is best captured by a famous quote, attributed to Voltaire (who, as a Frenchman, would be the first to spit it in the face of the British): "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

I may not approve of Fish describing in detail the scraping feel of a Q-tip in his urethra, or the unexpected sensation of a doctor poking his G-spot. In fact, I really didn't want to hear it myself. Made me shudder reading it. Still does. God, it just gives me the willies something awful. It's like nails on a chalkboard, you know, except you know the way that makes your ears feel? It's not your ears that feel that way, if you catch my drift. Also I can't really look at him with a straight face any more, and every time I see him sit down, I just sort of twitch a little.

But, despite all that, I defend to the death Fish's right to describe in detail the scraping feel of a Q-tip in his urethra and the unexpected sensation of a doctor poking his G-spot. If Fish wants to share these things with all 83 of Grumble's readers, that's his Constitutional Right. It's what makes our country great. It's why we whupped your shiny red uniformed asses and pulled 'em out of the fire not once, but twice in the last century. It's why we've got the Empire now, baby.

So, Queen Elizabeth II, understand this. We here at Grumble are united behind our editor. We may not always like what he says. We may not always like what he does. We may not like the way he buried our thought-provoking expose on the plight of evicted low-rent housing tenants in favor of yet another totally improbable episode of Crack's car saga (not that we're bitter). But we support him, 100%.

-Fajitas
Staff writer