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Bite-sized nuggets of your favorite Webzine
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| Dr. Wombat: |
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Nydia Velázquez, Congresswoman from New York, quoted in Manhattan File magazine,
bragging that her district covers parts of three boroughs:
"...I own the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge..." Not "I represent," or even "my district encompasses," but "I own." Attitudes like this are why politicians need to be watched verrrrry carefully. |
| Fish: |
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What does Mel Gibson have against the English?
First it was a historically slanted tale of the Scots gaining freedom
from the English in Braveheart, and then a historically slanted tale of the colonists gaining freedom
from the English in The Patriot.
Coming soon to theaters near you: Mel Gibson as a Hindu soldier fighting the English in The Sepoy Mutiny; Mel Gibson as a Boer (but not a racist one, of course) fighting the English in Johannesburg; and lastly, Mel Gibson as Joan of Arc in the remake of The Messenger. |
| Dr. Wombat: |
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Remember the movie Rules of Engagement? It was only in theaters for about two weeks last April, so you're forgiven if you don't. It starred Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones, two non-terrible actors; it featured Anne Archer and Ben Kingsley, two even better actors; its eerily prescient subject matter involved hatred toward the US in the Arab world; it was written by the same guy who wrote Traffic. Odds are this movie doesn't suck, I thought.
Besides, I had motivation to see the film. The film's brief theatrical release was greeted by protests from various Arab-American groups. I had to walk past one such picket line every day. I've been the subject of a protest or two in my day, so whenever I see something getting the "hey-hey, ho-ho" treatment, so part of me automatically wants to give the protestee's side a hearing. In this case that meant seeing the film. I figured that I might discover a forgotten gem that recent events have made startlingly relevant. At worst I'd get material for a good Grumble article about racist piddle. I failed on both counts. Not because the movie wasn't racist -- it was. Not because the movie didn't suck -- it did. Oh boy, it did. The reason I'm not writing a full article about thee movie is because I just don't freakin' care. You see, in the first twenty minutes of the movie it became painfully clear that the main conflict arose because when faced with a violent protest at a U.S. Embassy, no one in the movie thought to use any tear gas. I mean, for chrissake, did no one at a story conference bring this point up? It's not that you can't come up with a plot device to obviate tear gas. Maybe there was an inside operative who destroyed the Embassy's supply. Maybe the protesters thought ahead and had gas masks to go with their AK-47's. Maybe the screenwriters could have used their damn imaginations. If someone's gonna be that lazy coming up with a plot, I'm for damn sure not going to exert myself to come up with a thousand words about it. |
| Dr. Wombat: |
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The Microsoft spell checker doesn't like the word "chrissake" in the above Grumblette. It suggests the
following alternatives: shrike, shriek and teriyaki.
Teriyaki??? |
| Fish: |
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In mid-July, like most Americans, I received a note from the IRS labeled
"Notice of Status & Amount of Immediate Tax Relief."
Inside, the IRS explained that I'd be getting a check. In eight weeks' time. The IRS calls eight weeks "immediate". Explains so much, doesn't it? |
| Toots: |
| So, I was in a college bathroom doing my business when I noticed that there was a new sticker near the toilet, on the wall. The original sticker announces in cheerful yellow font, "Conserve Water!" Right above it someone had added, in large bubbly bold letters, "PLEASE FLUSH". Now, what am I supposed to do? |
| Fish: |
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Recently I saw that the slogan on Utah's license plates is "Greatest
Snow on Earth." Not only is this a bad pun, but it's a lame slogan.
I would like to modestly propose these alternatives.
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| Elfpants: |
| Has there ever been a less appropriate match of songwriter and song than Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky"? I'm glad the man's got a friend in Jesus, but honestly, doesn't "Norman Greenbaum" sound like a middle-aged Jewish accountant? I can see it now: "Well, if we amortize this and adjust your charitable deductions, we can set you up with the Spirit in the Sky. Less, of course, witholding." |
| Fish: |
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On the side of this carton of half-and-half I see the note "Ideal for Beverages".
I guess this means they make a different dairy product that's optimized for something else instead, like cooking -- "Fifty-Two-and-Forty-Eight", perhaps. |
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