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| -by Kumquat |
I love my friends. Really, I do. But I'm starting to wonder if I have time for them. If that sounds mercenary, listen to this: it took me six months (or was it seven?) to find a night for me, my boyfriend, and two good couple-friends to have dinner together. I have nine wedding invitations for the summer alone, and only one is in my own state. In the last month, I had precisely four weeknights free – and all of these were used for work-related projects (usually ignored in favor of the many friend-related outings in the evenings).
Is it just me, or are these things a little extreme?
My boyfriend and I, despite sharing the same apartment, tend to have approximately five hours a week in which we are awake, together, alone, and not en route to some admittedly enjoyable, but still time-consuming shindig. Between the two of us, we have been on ten flights in the last three months, but none of them were together. We finally resorted to scheduling a once-monthly "date." Sadly, I got food poisoning on the first of these. I took it as an omen. Clearly, we need to make some time for ourselves.
One solution would be to cut down the extracurriculars – less sports (we both play, but rarely together), more mutually convenient work hours (which is to say, fewer work hours)... But that would require making sacrifices of our own. How inconvenient.
We instead hit on the perfect solution: culling our friends. That's right. If the friends don't make the cut, you're out of the picture. Sorry, bub, but it's a competitive world and you've got to keep up.
In that vein, I have created the all-important, oh-so-practical Questionnaire for the Potential of Kumquatian Friendship. Please read on. And if you're a current friend, I expect your reply by Tuesday.
Questionnaire for the Potential of Kumquatian Friends
1. Please describe, in detail, your expectations for our friendship. (Note: popular answers may include: "hanging out at your convenience"; "showing up at your doorstep unannounced and demanding dinner at frequent but irregular intervals"; "expecting nothing of you but a Christmas card, yet providing all sorts of friendly support and love"; "e-mailing when I remember but expecting a prompt response"; "e-mailing you when I remember and expecting no response"; "winning the lottery and giving it all to you" . . . )2. Please select the most accurate description of your feelings about the fact that we have not yet had a housewarming party -- or any party for that matter -- in our no-longer-new apartment:
- extremely peeved that we are that rude and procrastinate-y
- mildly annoyed but willing to forgive us if we buy you dinner
- neutral -- you don't like housewarming parties that much anyway
- vaguely honored that you've been here despite a housewarming party
- extremely relieved and overjoyed that you do not have to make small talk and yet still get to enjoy our company when the occasion arises
- inexpressibly, ineffably blissful that we don't have to spend any time in that cat-ridden, blank-walled, personality-less, sorry excuse for an apartment
3. Do you have any special reasons that you are an unusually attractive friend to keep? (For example, if you are a dentist who can provide me with free dental care despite my lack of dental insurance, this is a definite plus.)
4. Have you ever attended one of my hockey games? If not, why not? If so, please describe in full detail exacty how powerful and thrilling I am to watch. Please also describe in full detail exactly how much better I am than my boyfriend.
5. Are you willing to forego all major life milestones (i.e., wedding, baby, etc.) in the foreseeable future, or at least until we say we have time to properly celebrate with you?
If not, are you willing to accept our completely uninvolvement in said milestones?
If not, are you willing to accept our involvement in said milestones on a completely spotty, unreliable basis, as our schedules allow?
(Note to the masses: Upon discussing this questionnaire, my old roommate has promised to avoid marriage until 2020, at which point it will take place in my own backyard for ease of travel. Please use this as motivation.)
6. Do you have any pets?
If not, why not?
If so, how many, what kind, and what are their full names? Also, do they enjoy making friends, do they hide under the furniture when new people arrive, or do they try to bite off the hands of anyone who is not you?
In either case, are you willing to take care of our pet (or pets, with time) while we are out of town?
If you do take care of our pets, do you expect anything in return? (This includes a small souvenir, a large payment, willingness to do the same for you, cookies, the invitation to stay in our house while doing so, etc. Please be specific about what exactly you would expect.)
7. Do you have any children?
If not, do you expect to be a parent in the future?
If so, how many, what sex, and what are their full names? Also, do they enjoy making friends, do they hide under the furniture when new people arrive, or do they try to bite off the hands of anyone who is not you?
In either case, do you look at us and see potential babysitters, potential child-corrupters, slightly annoying people who visit you when the baby (or you) would normally be napping, or a combination of the above?
8. Last, and most important, please describe in minute, excruciating detail exactly what we will get out of a friendship with you. Do not be afraid to be honest ("nuthin' -- never liked you much to begin with"); extortionary ("the fact that I will never reveal who you kissed on September 10, 1993, despite the fact that I have pictures and a handwritten, detailed account by you of the event"); kiss-ass ("a friend who is willing to be constantly at hand to compliment you on your beauty, intelligence, discriminating taste, and wrist shot"); or bribe-tastic ("a million bucks"). Let me strongly recommend the last tactic.
Okay, so maybe this isn't the best option for making or encouraging friends... but isn't that the point?