-by Kumquat

I'm sure you've all rented movies. You know that part where they say, "This movie has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit your screen"? I hate that part. I abhor it, even. Not because I'm a widescreen snob, but because that damn period should be colon--or a semicolon at the very least. (Maverick has taken its place as my all-time favorite video all because this video uses a colon. Ahhh...) If I have that much energy to devote video titling, you're probably amazed that I, a writer/editor/jack-of-all-verbalist-trades, make it through each day without a homicidal rampage or two. After all, editors are sent some pretty, um, creative writing to edit. I have a simple solution: I mock my clients to my friends. Now, don't get all high and mighty on me. I know that I've perpetrated many a grammar crime of my own. (For one, I never will get the lay vs. lie vs. laid vs. lain vs. who-the-hell-knows thing down.) I don't claim to be perfect. But I do claim the right to make fun of atrocious punctuation, misspellings, dangling participles, and anything else that makes me giggle and groan. That's why I've spent the last few years "collecting" such things. Yep, I have a lovely text file on my computer (it'll hold more that way) named stupidquotes.txt. And today, after reading the first example given below while copyediting a novel--that is actually going to be published, God help us--I've decided it's time to teach the world a few lessons on writing. Heed these lessons, O Wannabe Writers, or face the wrath of Kumquat. Lesson One: When writing sex scenes, do not use phrases that conjure up images of Chinese food. Example: "I tenderly proceeded to touch her and could feel the sauce beginning to ooze from within." Lesson Two: When it comes to spelling, "good enough for government work" doesn't apply here. And definitely don't rely on spell-check or else you'll say all sorts of unintelligible (or maybe just unintelligent) things. Examples--all from one book, and only a small sampling of the smorgasbord I have saved: "They were worried about the moral of the troops." "This window looks like it was scorched from the other side. It must have been a pretty big exploitation to do that." "Caching his breath, he continued..." "On its side, there were two wings perturbing out at an angel." Lesson Three: While unique character dialogue is good, it's important to avoid making your hero or heroine look like a complete idiot. Example: "Yo, I don't like that poser rock crap, yo." Lesson Four: Misquoting religious texts can result in both rejection and smiting. Example: "Forgive us, for we know not of our sins." Lesson Five: Following on lessons three and four, unless you are attempting to project a moronic persona, use slang correctly. Example: "Either we are on the same wave link or we are not." Lesson Six: If you absolutely must contradict yourself, try to space it out by more than ten words. Example: "Sheldon stood up and shouted in a guttural voice that was almost a whisper..." Lesson Seven: Only include dangling modifiers when you want to give your editor a good laugh. Example: "Frozen meat that has not been completely thawed before cooking may be undercooked without realizing it." Lesson Eight: Getting information across quickly is good. Trying to combine irrelevant information with relevant action is bad. Example: "Elsa sensed her awkwardness and gently steered her to a bathroom that had beautifully made porcelain fixtures." Lesson Nine: Actually, just get rid of irrelevant information completely. Example: "Jane came in, toting a couple of bags, and some other things as well." Lesson Ten: "Writing" is not a synonym for "spewing whatever words come to your mind onto paper/screen." Examples: "He hoped that his vision was not a precursor of things to come." "It gave me the opportunity to reflect on everything, from my feelings to my thoughts." "Time is only relative to the person that it directly involves."

* Please note: All quoted material was actually submitted for editing and/or copyediting to me. I have absolutely no permission to reproduce it, and I will not seek such permission because I don't want to endanger my livelihood or my life. Character names have been changed, and author names have been omitted to protect the very, very guilty from embarrassment and to protect me from the very, very guilty.