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Good evening, and welcome to another meeting of ABWA. We have a new member tonight, so let's welcome her and give her our full attention and support. Go ahead, Sailor Mur.

My name is Sailor Mur, and I am an Alton Brown Whore.

Hi, Sailor Mur.

Um, I guess I should start at the beginning. Alton's television show, Good Eats, was introduced to me a year ago. I mean, it's only been a year. I'm sure I'm not addicted. My husband made me come here tonight-

Mur, you wouldn't be here unless he cared about you. Let's talk about your problem.

Oh, all right. It's just, Alton's show is so ... entertaining. He makes cooking easy, and he doesn't feel the need to utter a primal yell when he garnishes something. That's important to me. And the show doesn't make cooking into a big deal. He explained why butter is good. He told me how eggs are determined to be Grade A. He even took apart a wooden dinosaur skeleton to show me how to cut up a chicken! I feel like he tells me it's OK to cook, that I don't have to be special to be a good cook, and yet, somehow I am special because I like to cook... he makes me feel special. He makes me feel like he's my friend...

OK, tell us a little about yourself, and your history cooking.

Well, I wasn't a fan of cooking. I was someone who considered it a Domestic Duty, and therefore below me. I was a feminist who didn't want to cook or clean, because that would be moving the clock back 50 years. Of course, I didn't realize that someone had to do them, else live in squalor and then die of starvation. I also didn't realize that cooking was fun. It took some successful pies to make me realize it was fun, and I really embraced cooking after I saw Alton's show. Alton is cool. So it's cool to cook. Alton says so.

Now we're getting somewhere. What else has Alton told you to do that you embraced?

Um, well the first thing I did was cook Thanksgiving dinner according almost entirely to Alton's special episode last November. One thing he had that I didn't was his probe thermometer. Imagine, a thermometer you can stick in the bird and there's a digital readout outside of the oven! With a timer built in! What an invention! So I ran out to buy one. And... some other implements he suggested. Just a couple.

Like...

A balloon whisk. A sauce whisk. A set of really strong measuring cups (they jingle just like he said they should). A saucier for the sauce whisk. A kitchenaid mixer - OK, that was a gift, but I asked for it I asked for an appliance for Christmas! And I was so excited when I received it! I still thank my mother-in-law for this gift! Oh God, my husband was right, I am sick!

That's OK, Sailor Mur, it's OK. That's why we're all here. So you got to the point of buying everything Alton used in his episodes?

Yes. My biggest shame was buying the electric frying pan solely for poaching fish. Did you know that you can cook the fish all day if you have the temperature set to 140? It doesn't get dry or anything!

Yes, we know that, Sailor Mur. Were you making all of the recipes too?

Well, yes, most of them. I... have a list of the recipes I haven't made yes, so I'll know what I have left. The show is in reruns now, so I can catch up.

So let's get to the real reason you're here. You're spending money on appliances you didn't think you needed, and making things you never would have attempted. What is the worst thing Alton has made you cook?

...Fruitcake. And I liked it. He made me like fruitcake! Am I really sick?

I'm afraid so. Falling for the Fruitcake episode is a dead giveaway. You are a prime subject for Alton Brown's World Domination Plan (ABWDP), Stage 2.

Excuse me? I thought I was here for support and 12 steps to stop spending all my money on stuff Alton Brown tells me to buy.

Exactly. And if Alton tells you that Golf is cool, are you going to go pick up his recommended clubs?

Well of course, if Alton says so... and I'll bet he will make those pants look good.

And if he says to vote for a certain candidate?

Alton knows how to cut up a chicken, and taught me how to do it with a dinosaur skeleton. Don't you think he knows more about politics than I do?

And if he ran for office himself?

That would be awesome!

See? You are now a mindless drone, a whore to serve the Great Alton. You are set to do his bidding, you believe the heavy metal measuring cups are superior to plastic. The only reason you haven't bought the hat with the cute little Alton symbol on it is because he hasn't told you directly to buy it.

No no, he can't be evil, and I can quit anytime I want! I miss episodes all the time!

But you tape it, right? And save the tapes?

...

OK, Sailor Mur, Step 1 of ABWA is to admit you have a problem. You've done that, albeit reluctantly. Step 2 is to learn about the ABWDP.

I assume Step 3 is canceling Food Network.

No, no, quite the contrary. You keep Food Network because we use it to reprogram you with -

No. It can't be. I won't do it, you people are sick! Alton may be on track to take over the world, but he will make it a better place than you are suggesting I live in! No! Let go of me! Ow! Let go!

Deprogramming starts now. Strap her to the chair. Good. Now get the tape with the episodes of Martha and Emeril.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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