-by Elfpants

All SF films land in one of four categories: COOL, UNCOOL, FRANCHISE and CHEAP. Each category has some fairly strict rules, which are as follows: TECH: If the film is COOL, the tech will be hidden by some sort of retro, noir-esque styling. The tech will never be explained, but the few glimpses we catch of it will be cool and Giger-esque (Unless, of course, it's the heroes' tech, in which case it looks like it was scrounged from a dumpster outside MIT -- in 1974). In the meantime, everything else looks like it's right out of a Hammett novel, and for some unknown reason inhuman masterminds prefer dingy hotels and jazz clubs with sultry lead singers.    Examples: Dark City, The Matrix, City of Lost Children If the film is UNCOOL, all the tech will look new and shiny, and will blow up a lot by the end of the film. The newness of the tech is directly proportional to how well it will blow up. Furthermore, all bases, spaceships, etc. in UNCOOL films are built with wires whose sole purpose is to dangle and spark once the place has been hit. Most of the structures, flashing lights and whatever else don't actually do anything except absorb blaster bolts, meaning that the hero can still rely on the important bits of tech when everything else has been blasted to hell.    Examples: Last Starfighter, Wing Commander, Enemy Mine, Stargate, Starship Troopers If the film is a FRANCHISE, the tech doesn't matter, so long as it looks neat and sells toys. The only rules of tech in FRANCHISE films are that the bigger the construct, the more likely it will be used for evil, and that no matter what, technology is no match for the indomitability of the human spirit. (This possibly explains why the targeting and fire control systems in Star Wars are so lousy.) Tech in a FRANCHISE film works as it needs to, not as it did five minutes previously.    Examples: Star Wars, Star Trek If the film is CHEAP, the tech has been seen elsewhere in a film of one of the other varieties, probably one that had a bigger budget. On rare occasions, one can recognize a bit of tech that's actually a leftover from a Tom Petty video. CHEAP films' tech blows up, but not as well as UNCOOL films' stuff. However, to make up for this, CHEAP films have more dangling, sparking cables.    Examples: I won't admit to having seen any of these.

WEATHER: It always rains in COOL films. If it's not raining, it's at least ominously overcast. In some examples, the atmosphere has actually been mucked with to provide an excuse for cool weather effects. In others, it's just raining. It almost never rains in UNCOOL films. Many are set entirely in space or on harsh desert planets. If it does rain, it does so for the express reason of getting the heroine's (presumably already torn) shirt wet. There may be some sort of alien weather (rains of acid, space goo or some such) but otherwise, the sun will always be shining, the better to silhouette the pillars of smoke created by exploding tech. FRANCHISE films don't have weather. They have climates. If it rains, it does so suddenly, starting and ending abruptly. All weather in a FRANCHISE film can be controlled with tech, but only if doing so saves the planet or allows the hero and heroine to cavort in a sun-dappled meadow. CHEAP films combine the weather from COOL and UNCOOL films. They are often set in deserts, but feature at least one downpour so that all the actresses' shirts can get wet. Alien weather is optional, depending on budget.

LEADING MEN: The leading man in a COOL film has dark hair, and he broods a great deal. Generally, he has at least one other film (generally an arthouse project) in release at the same time as the COOL movie, and he gives interviews talking about how little SF he read growing up but that he was surprised by how much of his film was about universal themes and humanity. Onscreen, his dialogue is limited, but will inevitably include the sentences "Why is this happening to me?" or "Who am I?" At some point in the film he will get wet, though this is often a function of the weather. He will spend the first half of the film on the run, asking stupid questions and allowing the tough-as-nails heroine (if there is one) to save him. He also learns to kill people to get what he needs, generally starting about an hour in. Whether he likes it or not is up to him. In an UNCOOL film, the hero is blonde or, at worst, a brunette, and has little experience with women. He usually grows a beard at some point in the movie, possibly to hide the fact that he doesn't have as much of a chin as he would like. He gets the girl (though the tough-as-nails heroine makes him sweat for it) after having a female distraction (aka the false heroine) early in the film. Often he wears a uniform, which resembles either a WW II leftover or pajamas. He carries a pistol, which always has just enough ammo to kill everyone he needs it to (except the arch villain, whom he must defeat hand to hand). In a FRANCHISE film, the hero whines. Occasionally, he makes points with the local women, but the whining is key, as is the spouting of pithy aphorisms. He doesn't like killing people, but seems somehow to have gotten very good at it. In a CHEAP film, the hero starts with a beard (or more likely, stubble). He growls more than he speaks, and often wears the tattered remnants of what a hero from the UNCOOL film wears. Whether this is because he got hand me downs or because costuming has been dumpster diving is uncertain. He, of all the SF film heroes, knows what he's doing with a woman, and generally gets more action in two hours of straight-to-video than an FRANCHISE hero gets in fifteen years (excluding, of course, fanfic).

THE MENTOR: A COOL film's mentor character is either physically disfigured or totally bald. He dresses much better than the hero does, and kicks his ass at least once (either physically or mentally) during the course of the film. He is prone to uttering mock-philosophical questions about the nature of reality and the universe, and usually tells the hero that his perceptions are screwed up. Interestingly enough, the MENTOR can never save the day, despite the fact that he is obviously a hell of a lot more competent than the hero. In an UNCOOL film, the MENTOR is usually in the military and gets either shot, eaten by a giant space bug or spaced halfway in. This inevitably provokes a slo-mo shot of the hero shouting and shooting a lot of people without expending any ammunition. This sort of MENTOR also beats the snot out of the hero in the early going (when he nearly washes out but returns with his resolve intact) but grows to respect him and appoints him to positions of minor responsibility. In a FRANCHISE film, the mentor is a Muppet. MENTORS in CHEAP films are usually Asian, because all wisdom actually does reside in bald Asian men once the world has gone to hell. These MENTORS speak little but beat the crap out of everyone on a regular basis, only to say "I cannot help you now" when the hero comes up against the big special effect at the end of the movie. Often, he suffers a debilitating wound in the final fight, leading to a slo-mo scene. The MENTOR never gets the girl, despite the fact that he is way cooler than the HERO.

THE HEROINE: HEROINES in COOL films come in two varieties: sultry lounge singers or tough-as-nails chyks. The former fall in with the police (who are secretly agents of evil) and get the hero trapped, then realize what they have done and make feeble attempts to rescue him. Tough-as-nails HEROINES spend the first third of the movie kicking the incompetent hero's ass and telling him to shut up when he asks dumb questions, but by the end of the flick they have fallen for his well-hidden charms and look ready to raise a brood of black-haired baby brooders with him. HEROINES in UNCOOL movies sleep with the hero. And scream. The FALSE HEROINE (i.e. the one who puts the moves on the hero, rather than waiting for him to seduce her) often dies, bloodily. The real HEROINE survives the boinking because her love for the hero is true, and because they have matching shades of blonde hair. In many cases, the HEROINE has some connection to the bad guy - daughter, wife, former lover, lust object, pizza delivery girl - and thus the triumphant boinking is a necessary plot device. HEROINES in FRANCHISE films try to kick ass a lot, when the scriptwriter isn't looking. They are allowed one racy comment per film, though they may be asked to wear revealing (or, in the case of Star Trek VI, no) costumes. They are allowed to save the hero's bacon precisely once per film with a well-placed blaster shot right as he's about to buy it, but otherwise they generally hang in the background. There is no jiggling allowed in FRANCHISE films. In a CHEAP film, the HEROINE exists to speak a little dialogue, provide a reason for the hero to kill people, and reveal her heaving bosom. The lone exception to this rule comes when Joan Chen plays the HEROINE, in which case most of the rules of the MENTOR apply.

MOOKS: COOL movie mooks are all white and approaching middle age. They were conservative suits and dark sunglasses, and often have some sort of microphone sticking out of their ear. They are apparently unkillable, or maybe they're just vat-grown. COOL movies rarely feature Al Leong, which is one of their major shortcomings. UNCOOL movie mooks are rarely human, and are usually CGI. They never say anything more than one sentence at a time, and usually their dialogue can be summed up as "Kill them!" (which is, of course, spoken in Alienese and subtitled at the bottom of the screen). They die easily and often. If you look carefully, you can spot Al Leong dying messily in the background. FRANCHISE movie mooks wear pointless armor (pointless, since apparently a rock thrown by an adenoidal teddy bear can penetrate it) and march in squads. They can kill anything that doesn't have more than a one-line speaking part with ruthless efficiency, but couldn't shoot the hero if they'd duct-taped him down first. FRANCHISE mooks spend much of the early part of the film beating up on non-speaking characters so we learn how scary and evil they are, and later applaud the fact that the hero is mowing them down by the truckload. If you look carefully, you can find Al Leong in the credits as a fight coordinator. CHEAP movie mooks do their costume shopping at Play It Again Sports. They attempt to march in formation but fail, attempt to be unkillable but fail, try to scream things like "Kill them!" but fail, and generally consist of whatever relatives of the director were hanging around the lot that day. They die extremely well and easily, and show an unhealthy interest in the heroine. If you look carefully, you can see Al Leong dying messily several times throughout the film.

BAD GUY: In a COOL film, the BAD GUY is usually bald. He is the second-coolest dresser in the entire flick, and makes sure to take time to deliver at least one confusing monologue intended to demonstrate how truly twisted he is. He rarely bites the head off a kitten, but it's always a possibility. He doesn't fight until the end of the movie, at which point the hero defeats him. He does, however, kill many of his own employees for incompetence. In an UNCOOL film, the BAD GUY is usually bald. He wears a really ugly uniform (if he's human) or drips a lot of slime (if he's not). UNCOOL villains are often female, especially if they're not human, and they kill at least one annoying minor character before being reduced to slag by the hero. In a FRANCHISE film, the BAD GUY is usually bald. He kills many of his subordinates, beats the snot out of the hero and is betrayed at the last moment. He dies by falling from a great height into a large array of special effects. In a CHEAP film, the BAD GUY is usually bald. He's also generally fat, which says more about the scriptwriters than it does about anything else. He, too lusts after the heroine and kills many of his subordinates. Often he is dispatched by a large vehicle of some sort. In rare cases, the BAD GUY is a FEMME FATALE, who will attempt to seduce the hero and die during the process. Such instances inevitably call forth dialogue including lines like "Get away from him, you bitch" from the heroine, especially if the FEMME FATALE has tentacles.

ALIENS: COOL movies don't necessarily have ALIENS; often they have evil AI instead. When they do have ALIENS, those creatures disguise themselves as human (often through special effects) and have the ability to take over any human being around. In their natural condition, COOL movie ALIENS look like seafood. UNCOOL movie ALIENS are either CGI (if they have more than two legs) or furry (if they have two). They exist primarily to be shot at. FRANCHISE movie ALIENS come in all shapes, sizes and colors, the better to sell more toys. Most have funny foreheads, and the big ones are CGI. CHEAP movie ALIENS are generally recognizable as wearing something you could rent for a Halloween party.

SOUNDTRACKS: COOL movie soundtracks are dark and moody or loud and percussive. Depending on how thoroughly the COOL film goes for the retro-noir look, you may get either all real instruments or none whatsoever. If there are no real instruments, then the music will inspire someone in the audience to shout "Mortal Kombat!" uncontrollably at tense moments. The soundtrack to an UNCOOL film may make more money than the film does. It consists of a few bombastic instrumentals, one previously released top 40 hit by a band whose shelf life can be measured in months, and a lot of tracks by theoretically "alternative" bands which weren't good enough to make it onto those bands' actual CDs. Occasionally there will be a song on an UNCOOL movie soundtrack that does not suck; this will receive perhaps three seconds of air time during the actual flick. In some cases, there may be a power ballad, sung by members of washed up bands who weren't invited to submit songs for the soundtrack. FRANCHISE films have orchestral scores with stirring string arpeggios. There are no synthesizers allowed on a FRANCHISE soundtrack, though the main theme will be remixed any number of ways by aspiring producers. CHEAP soundtracks are composed by the producer's brother, and often sound quite a bit like FRANCHISE soundtracks as performed by a high school marching band. On rare occasions, the producer's girlfriend sings in a band which receives prominent space on the soundtrack. This band inevitably sucks.

SIDEKICKS: The COOL hero doesn't have a SIDEKICK. He's too cool for that. The UNCOOL hero usually has a SIDEKICK, who is generally not human. He can be furry, scaly or a member of the Busey family. Often he misunderstands basic human customs, to hilarious result. The rest of the time, he urges the hero to jump in the sack with the heroine. The SIDEKICK gets to kill a lot of people, but never anyone important. The FRANCHISE SIDEKICK acts much like the UNCOOL one, but either cannot speak English or is human except for a funny forehead. Oddly enough, the latter sort of SIDEKICK speaks English (sorry, Human Standard) better than the hero does. The CHEAP film SIDEKICK is usually a whiny kid. HE (or she) spends much of the movie being kidnapped, half-eaten by alien monsters, whining and giving away large pieces of the plot. By the end of the film, the hero (who ought to despise him) has come to love him and will risk anything to save him. Occasionally, the SIDEKICK is the heroine's kid in this sort of film, but since there aren't a lot of singles bars out there for CHEAP film heroes to drop in on, this doesn't put a damper on anyone's relationship. None of these rules apply if the SIDEKICK is played by Joan Chen.

SPECIAL EFFECTS: The SFX in a COOL movie are entirely CGI. No one on the set of the COOL film actually knows how to build a prop, which also explains the retro look -- it's what was laying around the studio that they could use. All of the SFX look, unsurprisingly, wet. In an UNCOOL film, the SPECIAL EFFECTS are mostly CGI, except for one glaringly bad model shot. Guns often look like random household appliances, which is often what they are made from. Other SFX involve purple lightning, yellow glows, bright white lights, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes and red balloons. In a FRANCHISE film, the SFX come from ILM or Lightstorm and take approximately four years to do. And in the end, the mentor still looks like a Muppet. In a CHEAP film, the SPECIAL EFFECTS often involve hiding the string that the spaceships are dangling from. CHEAP films have discovered CGI, but they haven't quite figured out what to do with it. Often, the entire EFFECTS budget for the film is spent by the opening credits.

PLOT: COOL films generally do not have a plot per se, rather being a picaresque of the hero running all over a dark, wet neo-noir set pursued by middle-aged CGI white guys. The explanation of the action often involves virtual reality of some sort, which neither the audience nor the scriptwriter will understand. Someone, inevitably, wears a cool hat. UNCOOL films often involve space war of some sort. The good guys get blown up except for the hero and sundry companions, who then proceed to fight overwhelming odds and win the war. Often this involves either pummeling the bad guy directly, blowing him out an airlock, or using a mystic whatsis that has no reason to belong in an SF film. Often, much of the movie revolves around sneaking through the bad guy's space fortress for no good reason whatsoever. FRANCHISE films' plots generally come straight out of either Kurosawa or the weekly TV series. The former would be annoying, except that many of Kurosawa's plots came from Hammett and Shakespeare anyway. CHEAP films' plots can be summarized as "Kill things, blow things up, show some breasts, as long as we haven't hired Joan Chen, because she'll kick our asses."