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A Letter From Larry King (as dictated to Dr. Wombat) |
| My good friend Larry King, of CNN and USA Today fame, asked that I forward on to the readers of Grumble his thoughts on the premiere of Grumblettes. And so, without further ado, I present the estimable Larry King: |
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Hello my dear Internet friends. I just wanted to say a few words on the similarity between the new Grumblettes and my weekly column in the fine newspaper USA Today. They have the best sports section this side of the locker room. And speaking of sports, how do these undereducated college dropouts earn more money than the President of the United States? Some say it's because he can't hit a fadeaway jumper over Jalen Rose or set a good screen, but I say it's because of the diminished sense of civic responsibility in America today. God dammit, I really look like a toad in the mornings... where the hell did I put my keys last night? For my money, Delta Burke is one of the finest actresses this country has ever produced. Smoke on the Water is a really catchy tune. Please do your family a favor... check the batteries in your carbon monoxide detectors every six months. Some mornings I forget to put on deodorant. Thank goodness for Dr. Scholl's. What was I writing about anyway? Grumble? It's a fine Internet magazine. Someday soon it will have more readers than Life magazine. Or was that cancelled? It's so hard for me to remember things clearly these days. But thank God for Viagra. There's a lovely town in Sicily called Viagrande. I'll bet the men there are sexual dynamos. I love professional football. Grumblettes are a real tribute to everything my USA Today column stands for: clarity of thought, social relevance and keen analytical skills. Aren't the advertisements for keen.com a little silly? Yesterday they gave my cat Chester an epileptic fit. What I wouldn't give for a shot of Jack Daniels right about now. The number one ingredient in my kitchen? Balsamic vinegar! Why doesn't Johnny Mathis get the respect he deserves? Hopefully he'll get the chance to star in Jesus Christ Superstar before it closes. Have you ever had mango tea? It's a perfect way to unwind on a rainy Tuesday. I wear mismatched socks. Say what you will about the separation of Church and State, but I think Elian Gonzales deserves some time away from the press. I hope the United States Marine Corps can start recruiting more soldiers soon. They have the snappiest uniforms I've ever seen, and I've seen a bunch! I'm holding out for an alarm clock with a half-hour snooze button. How can anyone get quality sleeping done in just nine minutes? It takes me a good ten minutes just to apply Vicks® VapoRub®. No one printed the details of my prostate exam. That Crack kid sure can draw, but what kind of name is Fish, anyway? Mackerel. That's quality seafood. The International House of Pancakes has sure changed for the better lately. What the hell did I just cough up? No more Mescal for me, and you can put that in the bank. So no hard feelings for the Grumble writers. They do one bang-up job. |
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