Advice for the Lost Confused? Forlorn? Got that persistent rash? Send your questions to Dr. Wombat at wombat@folded.com. You'll be glad you did.

Q: How do I cure hangovers?

A: Dr. W: This seems right up your alley, Governor. Have at it. Bush: My pleasure. If there’s one thing that college taught me, it’s how to drink like a fish Sunday night and pass an exam Monday morning. The first thing you need is to have a parent running the CIA, collecting files on all your professors. The intimidation factor is key. Make sure you take your B Vitamins first thing in the morning, with a whiskey chaser. Being hung over in the morning is completely lame, but being drunk in the morning lends you a certain panache. However, if you don’t have a powerful Daddy and your buddies drank all your booze, you can still manage. Drink lots of water and take B Vitamins to rebuild your liver. Sports drinks like Gatorade and PowerAde do a good job, too. Dr. W: Good advice there, Dubya. I have nothing to add, except that a whiskey chaser might not be a good idea before you drive to work. Bush: Drive? I don’t under- oh! Right. Like, in a car. Sorry about that. Daddy always had a chauffeur pick me up. Dr. W: Who says politicians are out of touch with the common man? Mr. Vice President, do you have any hangover cures? Gore: No. Dr. W: No? Gore: No. I’ve never actually drank alcohol. Dr. W: Not even once in college? Gore: Well, I had a sip of beer once. But I didn’t swallow2.

 

Q: How can I tell if I’m being lied to?

A: Dr. W: Please. Do you really think a politician is going to answer that? Next question.

 

Q: Why does an all-powerful, beneficent God allow evil to happen in the world?

A: Gore: If elected, I promise to fund a special Federal Commission to study the problem of evil in the world, and to make recommendations for regulations that will prevent God from foisting his risky tax schemes and his evil on honest, hard-working Americans. Furthermore, I ‘d like to point out that Governor Bush, through his association with the radical right, has far too much contact with God. We should pass strict campaign finance laws to prevent God from meddling in our fine political system. Dr W: Are you going to answer any questions today, sir? Gore: Before I answer any question, I always ask myself "What Would Jesus Do?" Bush: It’s the Democrats who create evil in the world through their record tax increases. As Governor of Texas, I have fought against the forces of evil by executing every criminal that the courts let me get my hands on. If you elect me President, I pledge that evil will be reduced by at least 20%. Or the income tax, at least. Same difference. Dr. W: All right. We’ll dispense with the softball. The next question is a little more complex.

 

Q: Help! I’m addicted to a sex toy! As a joke, my husband bought me this pair of panties with a tiny vibrator sewn into the crotch panel. They totally turn me on, and I’ve been wearing them every day and having orgasms while I’m running errands, etc. My husband is really upset and wants me to throw them out, because he says I care more about them than having sex with him. What do you think -- do I have to trash them?

A: Gore: You should be ashamed of yourself. Everything you’re doing is wrong. For one thing, working with the current administration has given me extensive experience with vibrating panties, and they are not recyclable. If you throw them out, you’ll only be adding to the solid waste problem plaguing this planet. The best scientific research shows that unless massive new Federal agencies are created, America will run out of landfill space by next Tuesday. For another thing, EPA and FBI records indicate that you aren’t disposing of your vibrator’s batteries properly. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed; rest assured that the cornerstone of my Presidency will be solving the nation’s battery disposal crisis. Dr. W: I thought it was going to be campaign finance reform. Gore: That’s only something I’m talking about to win over McCain’s supporters. Dr. W: Silly me. Governor Bush? Any thoughts on the vibrating panties issue? Bush: As a Republican, my party platform insists that you conform to the wishes of your husband. But I come from outside the system. I see things differently. It seems to me that since you’re shopping and doing all the errands, probably cleaning the house and bearing the children, he should be happy that in this age of sexual equality he found someone willing to subjugate herself as much as you have. Gently remind him that everyone deserves a little happiness in their lives, and show him how excited your new toy makes you by turning your bedroom into a Dungeon of Pleasure. That’ll win him over in a heartbeat. If he’s too conserva- um ... too tame for that, buy him some new golf clubs. Everybody loves golf clubs.

 

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for six months, and he’s absolutely wonderful. He’s my best friend in the world, and we live together and have a wonderful sex life. My worry is that he gets an erection whenever he plays with an animal or child. He says it freaks him out and he doesn’t understand why it happens. He said that he isn’t horny at all, it just always happens. Is this normal or should I be really concerned? Please help me out; I’m not sure whether to stick with him!

A: Bush: Don’t worry yourself. Erections are difficult to control, and not every man is like our current President, who has to chase after everything in a skirt. Take him to your priest, and have a nice talk about it. Dr. W: After all, if there’s anyone who can speak with assurance on the subject of pedophilia, it’s a priest. Gore: Animals and children are what government is all about. We have to make sure the Earth is a safe, healthy place for all puppies and cute little girls. If elected, I intend to outlaw illness and natural disasters. The environment should be a safe place. Vote Gore. Dr. W: The question is about erections, Mr. Vice President. Gore: I’ve never had a problem controlling my erections. Bush: Oh come on, Al. What about when those campaign contributions arrive? Doesn’t the sight of all that dough excite you? Gore: I wouldn’t know what you’re talking about, I’m sure. Bush: Oh, Al, you tease. You know you want it just as bad as me. Gore: Let’s just say that Buddhist robes are very concealing. Bush: You always did look good in a dress. Gore: Thank you. That cowboy hat of yours really adds to your masculine appeal, you know. Bush: This may not be the best time, Al, but do you want to come back to my place for some ... um ... bi-partisan cooperation? Gore: Can I bring my 100% post-consumer recycled vinyl chaps? Bush: Only if I can -- wait a sec. Hey Doc, you’re gonna edit this last bit out, right? Gore: Yeah, could you do that please? Dr. W: No problem. Trust the good Doctor.

1. Wipe that smirk off your face. 2. Send your favorite Monica Lewinsky joke to wombat@folded.com. The best one will get reprinted in the next Ask Dr. Wombat. If I feel like using weak, stale material, that is. Never stopped you before. -- ed.