Advice for the Lost
Confused? Forlorn?
Wondering where the hell he's been for twelve months?
Send your questions to Dr. Wombat at wombat@folded.com.
You'll be glad you did.
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Q: Over the years, my wife has accused me of having several affairs. This really pisses me off. She is just not satisfied with my answers of, "No, I haven't had any affairs!" What's her problem? Or is she trying to tell me something? A: Yeah, she's trying to tell you she thinks you're having affairs. She might be thinking this because you are. I noticed that your question is blatantly missing the phrase "even though I've always been faithful to her." Admittedly this omission is hardly evidence on the order of lipstick on a collar, unexplained hotel bills on your credit card or Glenn Close breaking into your house and cooking your pets. But it does register on my Maybe-This-Guy-is-Lying-o-Meter. To continue to deconstruct of your question, notice that you describe your emotional response to these accusations as getting pissed off. Not frustrated, not saddened, but pissed off. Something tells me your real answers to her questions have been closer to "back off, bitch, I'm tellin' you I ain't slept wit no one else, now get out th' way so's I can watch th' game" than "no, honey, I could never do that. Why? Do I seem distant lately? Is there something you want to tell me?" If you want to put the inquisitions to an end, turn of the computer right now (okay, finish this issue of Grumble first) and go talk to her. Be the guy who asks the questions, not the guy who wants to watch the fourth quarter and drink his beer in peace. Treat her with respect: no matter how baseless her accusations are in your eyes, they're justified to her (otherwise she wouldn't make them), and she'll be much more likely to believe you if you respect her opinion. And if you ask her now, when she's not accusing you, it will be a much less emotionally charged situation for each of you; you'll have your best chance to have a rational discussion about her fears of losing you and your resentment over not being trusted. And if you are having affairs, then cut it the heck out. Q: My new girlfriend dated her last boyfriend 6 years. Everything seems to be going well with her, and I like her a lot. But I'm worried that I'll always be compared with him. Is this relationship doomed because I'm the rebound boyfriend? A: Oh, the great rebound worry. Fear not, I'm here to help. There are two ways to be the Doomed Rebound Boyfriend. The first way is if you're exactly like her last beau -- let's call him James -- and she's constructing the relationship to be a mirror image of her last one. The problem is that sooner or later she'll either realize that you aren't James and call it off, or she'll remember that there was a reason she broke up with James and called him "Jimbo the dog-faced rat-dick" in the first place, then she'll break up with you because you're so alike. The other way to be the rebound guy is if you're the exact opposite of James. James watched television all weekend, drank gallons of beer, and was allergic to bees. You're outdoors every weekend drinking soy milk and tending to your beehive. Unfortunately the minute she gets over James is also the minute she won't need to be acting out against him by dating someone who is his polar opposite. Out the door you'll go. One great big disclaimer: my sister-in-law -- let's call her Ms. Wallaby -- recently married someone who was in every respect the antithesis of her first husband. Let's call him Mr. Sea Slug. Mr. and Ms. Wallaby are perfectly matched and everyone who sees them together knows they are destined to have a very happy life together. You'd think that blows my "exact opposite of James" theory out of the water. But here's the crucial thing: she did her grieving for the loss of Mr. Sea Slug long before she met the future Mr. Wallaby. And even then she was very careful to make sure that her love for him wasn't based on Sea Slug-hatred. So even if you are the Anti-James or the Second Coming of James, if she's gotten over him then you'll be fine. And if you're just plain old Bob, even better. Of course there are still ten thousand reasons to dump someone that have nothing to do with rebounding. Excessive insecurity, for instance. Q: Since my company fired half of us a few weeks ago, it seems all I do is sit around and watch reruns of Remington Steele. What do I do with myself until I find a new job? A: The very first thing you need to do is get a Blockbuster membership, for God's sake. Remington Steele?? I mean, it may be fine in small doses for a retro fix or to mock Pierce Brosnan's five year long audition for James Bond, but to let it become the organizing principle of your life? You need help Here's what you should do: after getting the aforementioned membership at Blockbuster (or whatever you favorite local video rental store is), rent these classic films: Pierce Brosnan playing an Apache Indian1 in Grey Owl, Pierce Brosnan shrugging off superheated poisonous fumes and driving his SUV through a river of lava in Dante's Peak, and Pierce Brosnan walking around looking handsome in the unspeakably horrible pile of Streisandolatry called The Mirror Has Two Faces. If all of that doesn't work, then add Stephanie Zimbalist in Dead Ahead as a champion archer fighting to save her family from bank robbers in the middle of the woods. Yeah, that's right. Bank robbers in the woods. Now I don't want to hear any quibbles about whether you thought Brosnan's remake of The Thomas Crown Affair was better than Steve McQueen's original, or whether his Bond is better than Roger Moore's. The goal here is to break you of this horrible Remington Steele fixation. What's that you say? The goal was to get you a job? Well, pick up the want ads and start sending out resumes, for crying out loud. Q: I am in love with a girl I've only really known for a week. We met months ago but we were both in relationships so we never got together. Now that I'm out of my relationship and dating her, I'm concerned about the situation with her "ex"...they still live together. They supposedly haven't had sex in over a year, but the ex just bought a house where they both live and fix it up together. She says that she told her ex about our love and that she has me on her mind all the time. Her ex says "I want you to be happy", but then asks her to stay home instead of going out with me. (a little controlling?!) When I call to see if we still have plans, she says "My ex wants me to stay home and watch movies with her or fix up the house, etc..." What's up with that? Obviously, they haven't let go of each other and I don't know if they plan to let go. She talks about "always being her friend". Well, I don't know how well our relationship will evolve if she's still so tied to this girl. I guess things go differently with lesbian relationships, but come on now....my dad doesn't hang out with his ex-wife. It doesn't make sense to me to keep an old flame going. Should I let her go or wait and see what happens? Any advice? -Confused A: It sounds to me like you already know the answer to this one, Confused, but let's put this is the third person so you can see it clearer. Bill meets Harry one Saturday night at Boots & Saddle and they really hit it off, but Bill is seeing George, and Harry is seeing Steve, so nothing come of it. But Bill can't get Harry off his mind, and soon splits from George. He mentions to Harry one day that George is out of the picture and (what a coincidence!) so is Steve. Bill and Harry meet for drinks and wind up back at Bill's place and have fantastic sex. Bill is totally smitten. But then it turns out Steve isn't totally out of the picture. Harry still lives with him, but he says they're not "together" sexually, but they're still "good friends" and just bought a house together. So could Bill not come over or call? 'Cause it'd be awkward. When Bill asks Harry to go to the Pansy Division concert the next weekend, Harry says that he'd love to but Steve is being all snippy and does Bill want Harry kicked out of his house over some stupid gay punk band? And even though Bill thinks, "yeah, you can stay with me," he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to make Harry upset, because Harry doesn't like being told what to do. It sounds like Harry is the one being "controlling," and that Bill is the one getting played, doesn't it? What would you tell Bill to do, Confused? You'd tell him to drop Harry like a hot rock and get out there and meet someone who's looking for more than a mistress, that's what you'd tell him. And if Bill didn't listen to you, you'd send him into therapy to figure out why he clings to controlling, domineering and disrespectful lovers. A player is a player is a player, hetero or homo, gay or lez. So go follow your own advice. |
