 Advice for the Lost
Confused? Forlorn? Not sure what a "uvula" is?
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| Q: I'm obsessed with lesbians. How can I get a pair into my bed? |
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A:
Roofies.
All kidding aside1, there are basically two approaches you could take, helpfully outlined below. The Shotgun Approach Let's face it; if you don't go after what you want out of life, you're going to doom yourself to a life of sitting around your apartment in your underwear while eating Ding-Dongs, drinking cheap beer and reading back issues of Penthouse and Hustler. And even though you might find that rolickin' good fun for a month or two, you will eventually -- and properly -- begin to loathe yourself. So nip that destructive cycle in the bud now. Carpe Diem, grab the tiger by the tail, the bull by the horns, and every other cliched aphorism you know. Go to you local lesbian bar, and ask every couple you can whether they're in the market for some nice, clean bisexual threeway fun. Granted, ninety-nine percent of the time you're going to get slapped or have a drink thrown in your face. But the one percent who say "sure -- come on back to our place, big boy" will make it all worthwhile. The Adult Approach On the other hand, if you want to maintain any dignity and avoid having people cross to the other side of the street when you approach, then it's time to face reality -- your life will be lesbian-free. Why, you ask? For two very important reasons, which cannot be avoided.
So, the adult thing to do is to wean yourself from this lesbian fixation. When the urge to bed lesbians comes over you, Act Opposite. Go jogging, write that novel you've been talking about, remodel the kitchen, call your mom, play Quake (but not Tomb Raider), anything to get your energies going elsewhere. It won't be easy, and sometimes you won't be able to; if you must feed the lesbian jones, watch Lifetime. You'll soon find the obsession very easy to control. And please, try to remember that Chasing Amy is just a movie. |
| Q: Why do all guys love lesbians? Most women shudder at the thought of two guys together. What's the deal? |
A:
Did you two call each other up before you wrote me? I'll bet you were the people in my elementary school who always wore matching shirts, too. And as fate would have it, just as your buddy's question involved a two-part answer, so does yours.
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| Q: After sex, my girlfriend becomes really chatty, and all I want to do is pass out. I want to provide the appropriate pillow talk, but I can't help it. Why does this happen? Is it some kind of sick joke? How can I make our post-sex time at least a little better? |
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A:
Taoists claim that this phenomenon is due to energy flow. The desire to have sex is caused by an imbalance of energy -- too much male energy in men, too much female energy in women. Women absorb male energy during sex, bringing both partners into balance, but leaving women with a lot of energy and men with very little. Which means there's little hope for you if your goal is to match her post-sex perkiness.
Now that theory is well and good, as theories go, and maybe you'll be able to answer a Trivial Pursuit question, win Jeopardy or impress your Taoist friends. But since your goal is to improve the post-coital atmosphere between you and your significant other, you need to go further. You need to take a two-pronged approach to this problem6. First, you need to tire her out more. Enough of this "taking-off-my-shoes-is-foreplay-enough" approach to love-making. Here's your goal: give her three orgasms for every one you plan on having. Sound like a lot of work? You bet it is. It'll involve everything you've always hated ever since you were a kid -- listening to your partner, delayed gratification, listening to your partner, following instructions precisely and listening to your partner, not to mention becoming much more intimately acquainted with female anatomy (and I don't mean breasts). Did I mention listening to your partner? But if you do this whole-heartedly, and stick to that 3:1 ratio for a couple of weeks, there will be benefits galore. She'll like you a whole lot more, she'll be much more eager to hop in the sack with you, and she'll develop that neat glowing, walking-on-air thing that women do so well. Plus, she'll be more tired afterward. And that brings me to tactic number two: raising your energy. I'll let you in on a little secret about women. It's so secret that not many women know it themselves, but it's still true. Women are not that interested in post-coital discussions of draperies, remodeling the kitchen, that story from the evening news or the cute things that the dog did today. They want to know that you had a good time, and that you like being with them. They don't want to think of themselves as that night's sex doll. So, even if all the willpower in the world can't keep you out of dreamland, use those few seconds you do have wisely. A gentle kiss, a warm embrace and whispers of sweet nothings go a long way toward ending things on the right note.7 If you manage at least this much, and meet your 3:1 goal, she will have no complaints with you, my friend. |
| Q: My boyfriend starts to snore within 60 seconds of having his orgasm. Does this mean he's not serious about me? |
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A: What is this? Couldn't you two have talked to each other instead of both writing to me? Oh, well ... I guess that's what I'm here for ... The simple answer to your question is no. (For one theory on why, see the first paragraph of the answer to your boyfriend's question above.) The truth, in fact, is just the opposite; he's crazy about you. Guys don't pass out from bad sex. If, after sex, your boyfriend were to say "well, gosh, that was nice honey -- where did I put today's Wall Street Journal?" then you've got problems. If on the other hand, he says "wow, that was amazing, h---zzzzzzzz," it means that you wore him out so thoroughly that consciousness is no longer an option. And while the PG version of the old saying goes "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," you and I both know the real way. So rest assured. And let him rest, too. If things still bother you, refer him to the 3:1 section of my answer to his question. You'll be glad you did. And for heaven's sake, try communicating with each other next time instead of an internet advice columnist who takes two months to get an article together. |
| Q: I'm planning to propose to my girlfriend. Please tell me how to choose the engagement ring. |
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A:
Good for you. Let me be the first to congratulate you on stepping up to the plate, making her an honest woman, and finally behaving like an adult instead of pretending that living with someone for fifty or sixty years without getting married is fine because just in case Miss February stops by the office one day to whisk you off to Bora Bora you want to be free of "attachments."
When shopping for a diamond, you want to look for "the four C's." They are: color, clarity, cut and carat. A handy little guide for determining what to look for is below. Color. Diamonds vary from completely crystal clear to nasty-looking murky yellow. You'll want to avoid the bottom end of the scale unless you want her engagement ring to look like you fished it out of a septic tank. The good news is that you can avoid the top of the scale, too. Unless her finger is already covered in completely colorless diamonds and anything with even a hint of color would look trashy by comparison, there's no harm in buying a diamond two or three grades lower than perfect; the human eye can't really tell the difference. Plus, you'll save a ton of money. Clarity. Clarity measures the number and degree of internal imperfections within the crystal. This is another good area for saving money. If the diamond has two or three imperfections that are visible only under high magnification, then she'll never know the difference. More importantly, other women to whom she will be showing her ring off to won't know the difference either. A flawless diamond will sparkle only a tiny bit more, but it'll cost you big. Cut. This is where you want to spend the money you saved by being smart about color and clarity. You want the diamond to sparkle -- the brilliant sparkling of a diamond is what separates it from other stones, and it's why they cost so damned much. The more a diamond sparkles, the more people will admire it. Sparkle is created by one thing and one thing only -- internal reflection of light. The better the cut, the more light will be reflected back out the top; it's all a question of geometry. And geometry is not something that cares about being visible to the naked eye. If you don't spend the money for a great cut, you might as well buy her a big, expensive piece of plastic. Carat. This is where your girlfriend wants you to spend your money. Carat means weight. And because diamonds are all made of the same substance, weight means size. And chicks like big rocks. But remember, chicks also want their rock to sparkle. Don't sacrifice cut to move up two-tenths of a carat. The other, less expensive, elements of the ring to consider are its setting and metal. There are far too many settings to list here. Either try to deduce what your girlfriend would want, or just ask her. Of course, if you do that, you won't have the ring with you when you pop the question. She'll stew over that for the rest of her life. So do the best job you can of guessing what she likes, and make sure the jeweler agrees in writing to reset the stone free of charge if your girlfriend would prefer a different setting. The three metals available are silver, gold and platinum. Don't get silver; this is no time to be a cheapskate. If you're going to get gold, go no higher than 18-karat. Karat refers to purity of the gold8, with 24 being the highest. Gold is a soft metal, and 24-karat gold will bend like tin foil. You get her a ring made out of that stuff, and the first time she bumps into someone on the sidewalk her diamond will be popping out of the ring and falling into a sewer drain. Platinum is much harder than gold, and looks like silver, only classier. It's also more expensive than both, but not prohibitively so. One final note: have the jeweler send the diamond for appraisal by the GIA free of charge before you pay for it. He should be happy to comply; it's standard business practice. If he doesn't, it's probably because he's trying to push cubic zirconium on you. |
| Q: I have an insatiable appetite for married men, and I am always alone in the end. How can I get over this lethal attraction? |
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A: Okay, who's the wise guy? First I get two questions about lesbians, then two about the post-sex sleepies, and now two about marriage? Sheesh. Anyway, it's clear that you have major commitment and/or intimacy fears. You don't want to deal with a serious relationship, so you date people who you know will never stay with you. For one thing, they're already with someone else. For another, if they were the stick-with-the-girl kind of guys, they'd be sticking to the ones they already have in the first place. Not you. You know this subconsciously; you're not stupid. But you are afraid, so you pick relationships guaranteed to self-destruct. The first thing you have to do is take a time out. Stop dating. Stop evening trying to date anybody for at least six months. Not married men, not single men, not women, not gophers, not even Ally McBeal's inflatable doll. You have some major issues to deal with, and you're going to need some serious navel contemplation and you-time to do it right. The second thing you need to do is get into therapy. Talk to somebody about this whose job it is to listen, establish a firm understanding of you as a person, and dispense good advice. Your best friend and fellow gossip over in Accounting won't fit the bill. And neither will an internet columnist. Maybe your dad walked out on the family when you were two years old. Maybe you walked in on your uncle having sex with your mom. Maybe you were teased too much in junior high. How should I know? You probably don't even know why yourself, which is precisely why you need to see a therapist. Once you and your therapist figure you've gotten your head on a little straighter, then you can dive back into the dating pool. You'll find that you're no longer obsessed with married men. Heck, maybe you won't even be obsessed with men of any kind; you can become a lesbian and frustrate the guy who wrote the first question. |
1 Dr. Wombat in no way encourages using any illegal drug in any way. He expressly abhors the use of Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol) or any other chemical substance used as an accessory to rape. He wants it made clear that if you abduct and/or rape someone, you will be sent to prison for a long time and meet someone named Bubba who will pull out your teeth and make you his bitch. -- Grumble Legal Dept.
2 Straight women and gay men would disagree, a point that is so obvious that it doesn't merit mention. But since the Grumble interns don't like wasting valuable time wading through flame mail, I thought I'd point it out explicitly. Of course, the sort of people who'd flame me over something as trivial as this are also the sort of people who don't bother to read footnotes before they fire off their big mouths. But I put my disclaimer down here anyway. Go figure.
Besides, the interns need something better to do with their time than cruising the net looking for free copies of the Pamela/Tommy Lee video.
3 And its corollary, "I shouldn't do it, therefore I will," is directly responsible for most marital problems, the majority of sports car sales, and the existence of plaid pants.
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Dr. Wombat wants to stress that he in no way finds lesbians to be pesky. Nor does he find gay men, radical feminists, consumer advocates, or any other groups adept at protesting and/or suing to be pesky either. He is a big supporter of all special interest groups everywhere. -- Grumble Legal Dept5.
5 These lawyers are really starting to get on my nerves. -- Dr. Wombat.
6 What is it with the number two this month?
7 You have to mean it, though. Women can sniff out insincerity like a German Shepherd hunting for drugs at the airport. And right after sex, your powers of deception are not at their greatest.
8 Not to be confused with carat, which means weight. You'd think that with all the money we throw at the jewelry industry, they could come up with words for weight and purity that didn't sound exactly alike.
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