Grumble - Ask Dr. Wombat

Advice for the Lost

Confused? Forlorn?
Don't know which fork to use with the salad?
Send your questions to Dr. Wombat at wombat@folded.com.
You'll be glad you did.

Q: I've run up $86,000 of debt on three different credit cards. What can I do?

A: This is just one man's opinion, obviously, but you might want to consider, even if only as a theoretical situation, this novel idea: spend less than you earn.

Scary, isn't it?

I know that you don't want to do it. I know that it would be much easier on your materialistic, shop-a-holic psyche to just keep shuffling that debt from one new credit card to another, hoping that they'll never catch wise. Here's a newsflash: they will. Before long, your credit reports will look even worse than that fifth grade report card that you hid under your bed because you didn't want Dad to see that you were failing Math and English, and that you somehow managed to get a C-minus from the Art teacher who even gives out A's to the kids who arrive ten minutes late and never pound the air bubbles out of their clay because they like to hear explosions from the kiln. But this time, Dad works for the school, he writes the report card himself and his punishment is much more severe than a lecture and one week of missed TV. Want a new car? Want to buy a house? Need a new washing machine? Well, you'd better get used to public transportation, apartment buildings and long walks to the coin-op laundromat, because the only person who's going to approve your loan is going to have a middle name of "the" and use the Louisville Slugger Debt Collection service.

Once you decide to get out of debt, you should follow these steps:

Live Below Your Means. Do you clear $3,000 a month after taxes? Spend no more than $2,999. In fact, spend as little as humanly possible. Clip coupons. Eat in. Car pool. Cancel cable. You'll need every extra cent you can manage for Step Three.
Budget. Plan every month's spending ahead of time. Do not go off budget. There's no such thing, budget-wise, as an unforeseen emergency. Emergencies happen, and you must budget aside the money to pay for them in advance. And in regards to those one-time, impulse purchases: never, ever, under any circumstances say "oh, but it's just this once." That's what coke-heads say when they want another hit. Don't be a credit junkie.
Pay off the credit cards. Start with the one with the highest interest rate, and pour every last penny you can physically manage into it. Each extra dollar you squeeze out of your living expenses is an extra dollar that the credit card companies won't be holding against you. If you own any investments outside of your IRA or 401(k) (CD's, stocks, bonds, Beanie Baby Collections, etc.), cash them out and apply all of it against the credit card balance. There ain't no way the mutual fund run by your brother-in-law's ex-roommate is going to cover the 18% annual growth of your debt.

This is going to be very, very hard. It is much more painful to get out of debt than it is fun to get in. That is why credit card companies make billions every year. Fortunately, the Internet is teeming with "support groups" to help you. I recommend the Debt Reduction and Living Below Your Means sections of The Motley Fool.

Q: How do I cut loose from someone I've hardly dated but don't want to hurt? With so many ways to communicate (e-mail, cellular phones, etc.) I can't just say, "I didn't get your message" or "I don't have an answering machine," right?

A: Right. So just tell the freakin' truth already. "This isn't going to work out; I'm sorry" or "It isn't fair of me to be stringing you along like this" are time-tested favorites. Let's not forget the ever-popular "It isn't you; it's me."
Get over yourself. This person is not going to jump off a bridge just because little ol' you doesn't want to date them.

Q: I secretly wear my boyfriend's jockstrap when he's not around. Does this mean I'm gay?

A: Not necessarily. It could mean that you're a cross-dresser. Perhaps you have fantasies of playing in the NFL. Maybe they're more comfortable than those thongs you like so much. Who knows? Try to be aware of your fantasies, and see if there's anything in there you don't recognize. Schedule some time with a therapist to help you sort all this out if it still upsets you. And if, in the end, you do turn out to be gay, I promise that the world will not end.

Q: My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and frankly, I liked him better when he was drinking. Now he just goes to support group meetings all the time and lectures me about the virtues of being sober. Should I get a divorce?

A: What you should consider is getting into therapy yourself, lady. Anyone who seriously thinks her husband is better off with chronic liver problems, dementia, DUI offenses and deep in debt is in dire need of help herself.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? If you really loved your husband, you wouldn't be trying to shove him through death's door with little comments like "come on baby, just one glass of scotch" and "a night without memory loss is like a day without sunshine." Of course, you may not love your husband at all, in which case a divorce might actually be in order ¹.
Then get into therapy.
By the way, for a dandy look at alcoholism from the safety of your own home, I recommend renting Drunks, starring Richard Lewis ². If you liked Leaving Las Vegas, you'll love Drunks³.

Q: My favorite sex position is doggy style? Does this mean I'm really gay?

A: No. But it could mean you're a dog. Check with your local Animal Control office to make sure.

1. Unless you have children. Try adapting to sober married life, unless you want your children to write Mommie Dearest, part 2.
2. Yes, the same Richard Lewis whose stand-up comedy makes you convulse with disgust. Just trust the good Doctor on this one; I won't disappoint you.
3. Which is rather like saying "if you liked Bubonic Plague, you'll love Ebola!"