-by Crack |
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Ever noticed how men name things? I'm not just talking cars, stereos and racing horses (which is its own bizarre phenomenon), but things that have no business being named anything other than their given dictionary definition. You ladies know what I mean, right? It's just damn peculiar and a little unnerving and I was wondering where it all began. I hypothesize this is a genetic predisposition handed down from the first guy, Adam, formerly of Eden residence and Genesis fame. (That's the Bible folks, not the band.) Adam's born occupation (besides eating and sleeping and making love to Eve all "without toil" as they say) was to name things.
Adam: Hey you!
Let's go Freud: parents name embarrassing things on the body or bodily
functions because, well, parents are by-in-large an uptight bunch that
healthy guys rebel against when they grow body hair and pimples the size
of Buicks. So while boys want approval from their parents, they also want
to assert their authority by shirking-off those hard-won lessons from
potty-training and first "self-help" experimenting. I see... But then,
wouldn't men stop naming things in order to truly exorcise themselves
from their oppressive sires? Or maybe it's just a tender remembrance from
Mom's shy befuddlement about her little boy's foreign appendage.
Nah. It still doesn't swim. Dunk it some more.
Why?!? I mean, I'll go out on a limb and say it's an ego thing, but it's
tough to say anything more salient. Is it a small ego thing: guys are too
embarrassed to refer to "It" by name and figure a cute nom de plume might
smooth someone's feathers enough for a peck?
(Like the innuendos so far? They get better.)
Is it a big ego thing: guys are so pumped-up about
their "Thing" that they anthropomorphosize (that means "humanize" or
"give inhuman objects human qualities" ... "inhuman objects" being a
fitting description as far as I'm concerned) to add ego onto ego? Is it
for breaking the ice, figuring "gun-shy" gals will be wooed with names
like "Mr. Happy," "The Bopper" or, my favorite, "Richard" -- which take
sexual analogies right back into the White House where they've recently
set-up camp? Let me spell it out: I. Don't. Get. It. (...well, I do, but
that's none of your business! Sickos!)
Bottom line being that I don't know of any women who go around naming parts of their bodies! No. I take that back. I know of one woman who named each of her breasts (there, I said one of the "It"s for females!) after small, European countries because she joked that the larger they got, they'd threaten to annex her bellybutton. I thought that was clever. But she never mentioned introducing them by name to any beau... then again, we didn't have that conversation. So I guess naming things is okay, as long as its not hurting the other kid's feelings. Just don't get caught "playing doctor" with the neighbor children, or there'll be a few names exchanged that don't include those "Things" under the PlaySkool stethoscope. |
Whatever his logic, Adam set about to name everything. He must not have
done a great job of it, since he lost his job, house and free meals. His
eviction later brought on the advent of "begatting" which was all the rage
throughout Leviticus "with much pain" for Eve and her ilk. Lucky us. All
of which brings me back to the naming of things that do not need names.
Ah, heck
with it! Just chalk it up to being emotionally scarred from being dragged
into the Ladies' Room once too often by Mom when little boys know they're
supposed to be in the other room.
